Festivals, Absinthe & Parallel Stealing

Daniel and Laura discuss the downside of inviting friends to standup shows, their regard for Stephen King’s compelling, multi-dimensional female characters, the standup pandering trend, parallel stealing, touring in the South, the King Bear pageant, Pat Robertson’s Chick Fil-a, comedy fest couples: Lynn Shawcroft and Mitch Hedberg, Laura and Absinthe,  the Cat Laughs, dropping your own name, drum lessons from pro Denise Frasier, Beth’s Uncab, The Cramps’ Human Fly , Bram Stroker’s Daniel Webb, clifftop mansions, capes, and the meaning of success.

WWTWH YouTube Channel

Laura Kightlinger
Twitter: @KingKightlinger
Insta: @laura_kightlinger
Web: laurakightlinger.com

Tony Camin:
Twitter: @tonycamin
Insta: @tony.camin
Web: tonycamin.com

MUSIC:
Jimmy Harry
Twitter: @bonsaimammal
Insta: @thejimmyharry
Web: jimmy harry.com

Transcript

0:00

Hi. What we thought would happen today? I'm Laura. Hey. How are you? Good. It's so good to see you. Where did you just. You always. I feel like you're my window to the outside world because you're always traveling. Where did you and Margaret just got back from where you did say that? The window to the outside world we're in a dark room with no. No, I can't. Don't tell anybody I'm here. I just got back from with Margaret Cho. And you're in Seattle. Portland? Oh, how great. That's a great that's a great trip. Yeah, It was cool to just go with her because her hometown. Sure. But also just because I. I guess. Yeah. This is a pride episode. Okay. What? Are you proud of? Me? Mm. Are you doing. He doesn't feel as dramatic. Now. Everybody's getting shot up, so like that no longer has the, like, metal that it used to. Uh. Right. Surviving Walmart is like a risk. Yeah. I just went to war for the first time in a long time. Alone. Mm hmm. I don't know. That's what I thought I was really going to go down. I was like, Oh, I'm going to be fucking, like, in a mass shooting or some shit at the fucking Burbank Walmart. Mm hmm. That's not the epilog I want. Right, Right. Sunset Plaza. Sure. Like, you know, I used to look at houses and apartments that way. It's like what? I want to be found here because that's, you know, California. What feel bad about saying if I'm going to stay. So how do you have people coming to your shows like Disney or Stan? I would say that I'm fine with it. Luckily, I really don't have family. I have like just my mom and she's in North Carolina, so there's no chance of that. Cousins don't want to show up and they're all scattered all over the they're in jails all over the United States. So like when friends when it comes to your show. Mm. How do you feel about that? I'm fine with that. I would prefer it when they don't tell me. Or what if I don't have to fire if I don't have to? I mean, I don't mind getting people on a list, I think I feel like it's fine, but I feel this weird pressure in the few minutes you have to talk to people. Oh, right. Yeah, I always cringe. Right. Because you have to go, or there's someone just awkwardly standing there, like, waiting to talk. Yeah. Or if, if you're about to go on. And then they have to bring up everything like, you know. Exactly. Oh, but that happened to you. And just recently in one of the city they name, and it's like a friend who's parent had passed away and they found. Oh, jeeze. It's funny that you just whispered that. What about our huge audience? They're going to know we. Okay, so we're like, having that weird three minute conversation. Oh, Oh, great. Show it. And there's another show coming in right? Oh, shit. That's where it's in the middle. Yeah. Okay. and it's just, you know. Hi. How are you? Everything's great. How you doing? Well, you know, whatever. And then just laugh out all these. Oh, I mean, they're dead parents. Oh, my Lord. Seriously? Traumatic information. And that's when the theater manager was like, Hi, we're going to open the doors at 5 p.m.. We get your way out of here. Oh, I love. Oh, that's incredible. That's literally how the conversation ended was with that, like some horrific bodily mother. And then someone goes curtain call, then you. I have a story like that that I think talked about it on a lot of podcasts but this is in a casino in Redwing, Minnesota, and I was walking through an aisle of chairs, And I'm getting my credits and walking all the way to the, stage. And it's really poorly set up. And I see Barry Crimmins, the late Barry Crimmins. And at the time, you know, I hadn't seen him in probably like ten years. And I've got Guy Barry, how are you doing? Oh, good. You know, I had a repressed memory, though. I went back home and I remembered when I went to the basement that, my babysitter's boyfriend raped me when I was four. And she's also been on Showtime's. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, Oh my God. And then I go a little bit further, and then there's this other guy that I knew, like an exec at Comedy Central and he was friends with this exec and I saw And I go, So-and-so from Comedy Central. You know, your friend says hi. And it oh, he says, Hi, He raped my daughter when she was 15. And I said, And here she is, Laura Kightlinger. And I was like, We are, uh, all happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In the early nineties, as I'm walking to a casino stage. Yeah, the green room and all these people. Yeah, it was weird. Well, there you can hear the slot machines and everything. It was kind of like it's always going to be bad news. You don't want to perform there because most of the time, people, their tickets are a consolation prize. They lost a lot. So then, you know, everybody who's lost their pension and, you know, they're in their eighties, they're going to come and see your act because they've got a free ticket doing casino show on tomorrow. Oh, my God. No, I want to go to it. Yes, you do a field and then I can ask you a question. I can tell you how my stepdad died on a on the way to you as you're walking on the stage. I couldn't believe it was like I feel like, first of all, those are incriminating things that you said, right as a Harris was even going to call the police. And I go, Yeah, the nineties were crazy. My mom is Gone to the other side because she is also MAGA and she I feel like she uses these phrases that I know or like Fox News phrases like, you know, I didn't raise you to and I was like, You didn't raise me. Nobody did. And and she says, like we, you know, you Hollywood types. And I was like, you Hollywood types. You know, they don't make any money, you know, pursuing my dream or whatever it is. Yeah. Listen, I'm not a Hollywood type, Huh? Uh, people think that. I think it's weird that Hollywood has, like, a type that people hate. Yeah, I like being that. I feel like when the end of the world happened, they like, Oh, yeah, that's where we need to be celebrated because, yeah, he, he also blamed you 911, not just the game. What am I? You're a woman. Oh, okay. Oh, thank you. I thought it was like being pro. Oh, okay. Got it, Got it. Jerry Falwell came out and said this is the fault of gays and lesbian ends and some other people. and then fucking Pat Robertson. And I wish he would have named me. He did say you did. Oh, God, it's so hard to get my name on even with bad, right? I was thinking about, you know, when acting teachers or whatever their philosophies are. acting is reacting. And I think it is if you're a woman, because that's all you get to do on TV is react to whoever the lead guy is. That's, uh, Lucille Ball for acting, is listening and then, hmm, where does the part come where? It's like you only play one character for 30 years and you have to wear a wig and read lips, like, Come on. Yeah. by that scene. I like Ronald McDonald. Yeah, I feel like he's got to be canceled, right, Because he's in whiteface or is in clown face. Oh, but yeah, but clowns from clown face get Ruggiero for part of the tour. So we were in the rural parts of Arkansas, huh? Yikes. You Wait a second. You don't get to take a private plane from place to place like Smartless. But wait, really? Do you ever take a private plane? If we took, like, a little jet, really? To see that I call I don't call that a tour. I call that a taped vacation. I'd love to be on a fucking private plane. It's not private. It's like the little jet that people take. I forget what you call it, but it has its own little hangar. It's okay. This is really funny because it's like, okay, it's right by Burbank Airport, but it's got to plane hangar everywhere. But it's for, I guess, vertigo. Okay. You fly it to some places. It's just as expensive as other tickets. Oh, that's great. I only do that to go because to go to my mother. Okay, So you literally boyfriend didn't get it either. He's dropped me off and he's, like, all in a hurry to unload the car. Yeah, No, it's. It's not even security at the valet. Oh, that's so nice. We could make out on the hood of your car for 15 minutes. No one's in the rush. I have my coffee. Mm. You do? You better. Designer coffee. Oh, good. I can bring mushrooms with me like chicken, but. Okay. In the lobby. It's a bunch of people, actually rich, right? Because you're in the hangar. Oh, wow. Nice. Like an outdoor. Everybody's lounging. That sounds amazing. They're there, like rich fly clothes. Oh, really? An L.A. thing? Yeah. Like, what is it, like a white suit? No, just, like, flowy drape. It's like pajama adjacent. Okay. Pajama Jason, Right. Okay. In fact, the most mystifying woman on the face she had all my attention on. The thing was this lady she had, she was older, long, blond hair, like, down to earth, but with bangs. Mm hmm. And she had, like, a long emerald green dress on, but, like, tits out, right? Like, whoa, like a clock. Be kind of long dress and nails and, like, gold jewelry, which I wear gold. I love it. Mm hmm. And you go up the stairs to get on the plane, right? Oh, okay. Yeah. Um, and as she ascended the stairs and before she got on the plane, she did this whip around. Hmm. And just gave us another glimpse of her before she got second wife energy she had. Oh, okay. She was. And by the way, Daniel was on peyote for that trip, so actually, he got on a double decker bus in London, but he thinks he got on a private plate here in Los Angeles. Uh, but it is. It's so anyway. But it's really my favorite. The only reason being is because with the workers. Right? The gate agents. Yeah. It's really fun to get the lowdown from them. Oh, sure. A flight was delayed, like, 30 minutes and someone was complaining, and the gate agent was like, We're having sandwiches delivered in 10 minutes because they. They get sandwiches with cheese. Yeah, it's really good. I interrupted your. driving through Arkansas and we saw one of those old McDonald's. Oh, yeah. They had an old Ronald McDonald statue out of it, and it just looked racist. I hate to say it. Huh? Yeah, it looks canceled. Huh? Huh? The days were numbered. Okay, You never thought it was scary. know. There was the Hamburglar. Yeah. Which I didn't think was that scary because he was so little. And then there was the big purple thing. Grimace. No, can't remember being scared of anything that much, except while watching The Omen. I think I watched The Omen and wasn't supposed to. But then checking the in the bathroom, hoping that I had three sixes on my head. Oh, my God. I wanted Bloody Mary so bad that we could stare in the mirror and see Bloody Mary. I don't know what that is. Is there in the mirror. I think there's a number of times you're supposed to say, Uh huh, And then she appears like a dead person up here. Oh, wow. It doesn't work. Is that from a movie, or is that just like a it's like candyman. Oh, shit. Okay. Right. You think any man in Maryland? Mm. I don't know. I think they're. They're just they antibodies name shore. Larry. Oh, I guess well bitching about writing, you know, because there's a writer's strike striking. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I'm picketing from home, usually standing, but now she's. Strike it. Yeah. Oh, I like that. But I was thinking about how, like, male writers who write for women, the characters they write are usually one dimensional. Like they're either, catty bitches or They're sluts. except Stephen King writes, Amazing women like Dolores Claiborne and I thought was phenomenal. Yeah. And Carrie, of course. Did you see the movie? Dolores? Yeah, used to be on TBS, like, every weekend. MM Yeah. Jennifer Jason Leigh But I mean, his character's are so dimensional and I mean, maybe most of them are, are a little bit manic and nuts. Like, I mean, of course, one of my favorite movies is Carrie. Yeah, Yeah. And just like, you know, after the scene where, after she has her period and she tells her mother, you know, everybody made fun of your momma, why don't you tell me, Mom? And then I just I'm in love with Piper Laurie because she told Carrie they're going to be sniffing you like dogs. Now you gotta. You know, whatever. But I mean, that was so incredible. Like, I mean, I think that was my big fear. I mean, I didn't get my period until, you know, forever. So I would wear patch because I was so worried about somebody saying a blotch. Yeah. Or finding out or just like or just anybody knowing or whatever. remember like, I had, you know, pad on and Jim And my friend said did you get your and I said no. And she was really trying to coax it out cause I had a pen and, Oscar Wilde said that youth is wasted on the young. I feel that way about people who are wealthy. That money is wasted on the rich because I feel like I would have. No, I definitely would. I wouldn't save it. I wouldn't hoard it like rich people do. And they and and I realize, like a lot of rich people spend money on prolonging their lives, and that's because their lives are fucking amazing. Yeah. It's easy to live long when you're fucking rich. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Money definitely buys happiness and must suck. But at the end of the day, like, at least that create. Yeah. Yeah. Because I would spend it and I also, I think, like, what really pisses me off is like, I thought there was hope for us out here in California like I guess it was like five years ago there was about to be a shelter built for women and children who were homeless. And it was going to be right in Griffith Park. And then the not in my backyard, people voted it down every guest, every time. So I fed money. I would buy them by their houses so that the shelter could be built. Yeah, I wanted to do shit like that. Yeah. And I want to be one of the rich people that die penniless. Yeah. Do it all in, like a hellfire. that's why I never judge animals for trying to grab. I grab that money. Mm. Hers, number one. Mm hmm. And that old man wanted to give it to. And plus, it seemed like they actually at least had a friendship. Like he was sweet and. And gross, son. Yeah. Anyway, yeah, I'm all about, like, get the money and spend it. Yeah. And then the other thing is, I want to have a big house so I can invite people over to my big house and they look at my big house. like nothing humble. Zillow houses. in Hawaii. Yeah, in Ireland. My mom was. Oh you do. Oh well you can't really Zillow houses in Iceland. Oh yeah. Very basic European block. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I always doing it in Ireland there's always like a of how how a house or a castle that's like $3,000. Yeah. I want to live there. Was that England. Oh there's, I think there's some like Derringer or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh wait. If you move to Ireland, can I be like, the banshee in the guest house? Of course. Yeah. I want to have, like, a whole, like, artist community out there, whoever. Yeah, Yeah, I'll be running screaming through the shires. Oh, that's what I. You know, one of the things I think I've done, the Cats laughs Comedy Festival twice. Oh, They're in Kilkenny, The Cats laughs Comedy Festival laugh. Yeah. An Irish accent. The cat laughs. What are you You can't hear what you're. You have come in your ears when I'm talking to you. As clear as day. And still you're pretending you don't know. Oh, but they, uh. I had such a good time there. But it was the first time I tried absinthe, and I fucking loved it. Yeah, And it's not. They don't have real absinthe out here. I mean, last for, like, day. I lasted a long time when I had it. Here. Do you go to sleep when you wake up in your high? you know, like you have, like, head spins or bed spins. My feet were spinning, so I had to lay down because I thought, like my feet were going to go out, though. And I don't know, it was fucking crazy. And that was a long time. But that was in 97. But also I was there with Mitch Hedberg and Old Absinthe ing together. No, he, he and his girlfriend at the time, Lynne show craft. They went, they took a bottle of absinthe and went to their own room. I was in a tent with a bunch of people spinning around and then finally warped my ass back to the hotel, barely with my flying feet. Right the tent. Well, that's where all the comics went afterwards. Like, we all had our shows. And then we went. Yeah, And it was funny because I was trying to. This is a classic. You're tripping, basically. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a hallucinogen. Yeah, It's like a really heavy hallucinogen or was for me. But I thought it's kind of funny. Like, this is like just a classic, like my kind of shit luck in this business. I was looking at their site not too long ago. Well, this is probably before the pandemic, so I wanted to go back and do stand up there at the festival. And it said, We have had such luminaries as, Zach Galifianakis, Laura Kightlinger And then I was trying to get in and I said, Oh, I'm wondering if I need to send a tape or whatever emailing and like, we're still backed up with, you know, the pandemic and everything. And I said, But I'm on your thing as one of your luminaries. Doesn't that come in? We met luminaries in the absinthe made you glow. I was luminescent. Oh, shit. You're right. Oh, wait. So they gave you the runaround? Oh, no, it's. It's funny. I always have. Yeah, I was like, you're using me on my. On your to yourself. Yeah, I'm like, that's really fucking pathetic. You're right. I did. And it got me nowhere, so I can't be. I can't even name dropped by the fucking festival. And that's what we have to do with this podcast. Every Yeah. Let's buy a festival. Yeah. Or a club. I was laughing now seated at the pussy. Laughs Yeah, laughing, Yeah. or I think but since I did the Bear, you know, Oh, God, maybe not Gettysburg. Jesus, you're the great connector. No, never ages those stories. No, I'm. I've been to Pennsylvania a few times. I was born in Erie, P.A. We were in rural. It was outside of it. We're like brick, colonial. Oh, shit. Anyway, I was performing for about 800 leather bears, and a good God with the lights on the ground was in the afternoon. Basically, the sun was up when I started. Oh, because bears hibernate. So it was spring was a leather bear convention. And right before me, they had like a pageant for, like, who's like, Leather Bear Daddy of the year or Oh my God, It was usually they were crying and they gave speeches. I'm not kidding. They were giving What did you have to do to win that competition? But they were all like, were they thin because bears are just big. So was it like did they judge by the pound? No. You had a they had to give a speech. Just why you would be the best like King Daddy Bear or whatever. But who anyway. And then and now junior when they. Oh my God, I know we don't want to vote for him. What are we doing with this guy? Oh, my Lord, Back it up. I think it was. I will 800 bears on stage for an hour. Were you okay? So that was too. The contest was first and then you. Yeah, but those people want to go see stand up. It was a hundred of people who wanted to win. Watch the ceremony and then go fuck in the lobby. What did they win the. Oh, the prize. You get to be the Viking bear for a year, which means I don't know how you get to be in a parade. Wow. I don't even think. Is there a sash? Yeah, there's a big like. Like a wrestler. Oh, my God. A leather belt, huh? They had, like, a market where they sold, like, all kinds of shit, like your dolls and whatever and leather things, but they had the like. It's until Dylan cashed the machine and just like Punk said. Oh, no. Yeah. Like you back your asshole up to it on a machine. That sounds like voting in the United States. There's a whole lady was the one working the merch table. There we go. And she was knitting. That's great. those are. Now, would you call that a fan? Yeah, but would you. If you're knitting and selling, is that a family owned, operation. Because I never think that's a good thing When you see things that's a family owned and operated because it just made you because it just means your kids can't get a job, doesn't it? That's the deal. I don't know. I mean, if. Okay, well, do you think it was one of her sons? Was I do see like when people are on the side of the road asking for things, they get a stoplight. Right. And they have their kids with them. I rolled my windows up and children are really telling you, I don't believe it. You're not that mean. They're probably accurate. Oh God. Right. Mhm. Have you ever worked with child actors. Yeah. Oh it was amazing. They were really funny and sharp on Pen15. I played a mom to one of the young girls they were all just really, sharp and funny. if you look at the first season of FanFest and first if you look up the first season of Pen15, I'm playing a mom and I'm kind of teaching the girls a little bit about etiquette. And the young actress who plays my daughter was so funny and good with timing, and I'm thinking she was like maybe 15 or 16, so she's probably 20 now. I don't think I could ever book a dad gig. You bookmarking? Oh, that's all I get. Or or, all the time. That's all I've ever gotten are. There's lots of Mom. Yeah. No, no. But I think if you are a certain height and you have a deep voice, you're either going to be a lesbian, a mom, or a witch. Uh, and I get or that or the nut next door who who runs into people, the new people in the neighborhood, you know, that runs into them at the supermarket or whatever, and said, oh, you, you guys, you, you moved into the Ferguson place. You couldn't pay me to move there, not after what he did to his family. Right. He shot everyone in cold blood. Whatever the fuck was like, Oh, it's the nut who gives the backstory of the whole fucking horror film. Yeah, that's a good. I know, but I'm not good enough to get one now. I've auditioned for a few of them. I barely get like uncle. I think I still look to like, erratic. Maybe you're too handsome. Oh, I'm too irresponsible looking. No. Look. Trustworthy. I think you would look a very cool young dad. Like. Like they have the bohemian young dance. Why is it seems like the young Republican. Um, you know what I mean? Yeah, I don't know. We were also just in Florida. That was terrifying. Ooh, what part of it? We're in West Palm Beach in Tampa. Um, shit. Commercial. Really scary. Well, wasn't there an alligator that just ate a baby? Yes. Oh, there's also a woman. That's my favorite. I thought that was a ride. There is. News in Florida is great. This lady shot her husband in the hospital and of course, she was arrested. But upon further inspection, that was like their deal. If his cancer got bad. Um, yeah. So I think it's like a love story. Yeah. Oh, very, uh, Floridian. Jeez, it's crazy out there, but it's weird to be traveling right now because everything's so if you give someone a tie, is that an assisted suicide? It's could be. So I suggest you're, you know, like any kind of ligature. Um, there was a priest in Oklahoma who, with the ligature himself to death, but he was like a married father of four. But that's not autoerotic asphyxiation himself. Yes, but what. What do you mean by ligature? Just a rope, because. Okay, this is the best part is because in his autopsy, they tell you exactly what he's wearing. Oh, shit. He put on like a scuba suit. Oh, my God. Okay, with that? Like another rubber suit with, like a like a rubber mask. Oh, attached to the that part are like ligatures that were attached to the wall. Damn. His hands and feet were bound behind. Huh? Those had ligatures on the wall also. So. Really? Well, how did he do it? They had to be, like, hands up. But there was no foul play. But the best line of his autopsy is they're detailing all the things that he's wearing. Uh huh. Oh, they say a condom wrapped dildo inserted in the anus. Wow. Here's the thing. That means that's where he started, right? He put the other him first and then he put. But why does he need to be safe if he's going to heaven? I just think it's crazy to try to put on, like, cancer the dildo in your guy don't get. I mean, he's kind of. It sounds like he's a bit of a sadist if he has all that. Yeah, well, I mean, yeah, like, maybe a full blown sadist. He was married and father of four. Oh. Oh, yeah, That's already sadist. Oh, my God. I know, but I love that. Yeah, that was Florida, too. That was fucking like, Oh, jeez, You people in Oklahoma? Yeah. I mean, small towns, I think. Yeah. Heavy pride. I think small towns are the scariest. I mean, you think of things that happen in the city, but small towns. Oh. Ah, that's scary. Mm. I used to have long hair and a beard. Yeah. I stop it in small towns. Now that I'm in California. License plate. Mm. Forget about it. Oh no. You get stopped. You know, people just hate us. Oh they think we're all like AOC. took drum lessons a while ago. Yes. Because there was this fantastic teacher, Diane Frazier, who plays, um, she's in the the band at Uncap, the regular band, the bass on Cabaret, and she's incredible. And so yeah. And so I think one of my challenges is what I would love to do is play Human Fly by the Cramps on drums. Do you have a drum set? Yeah, I do. In the garage. Yes, I know, I know. But the podcast is. Yeah, let's do that. Know. Are you on drums? No, no, not good. I'm not good on any instrument. Drum kit. Mm hmm. but I love it. I love it. I like it. Even for the exercise, for the arm exercise. This is news to me all day long enough to pile other shit on top of it. Um, like five years. So you're like a Karen carpenter? Yeah. Can you sing? No. I would really like to get a singing teacher. I would love to know. I can't. Oh, I know. She's amazing. She said she took singing lessons from someone who was great, so I'll find out. Oh, yeah, She's awesome. Wait, what's your dream goal? Is the Cramp song. Yeah. Human Fly. No, I just heard it a few days ago again and remembered. I've always wanted to play that. I want to see you in action. It's going to be as fast paced as it is when I'm talking. It's really slow. I'm a bass bass guitar. Geez, we should. Okay. Okay. What songs do you know how to play? Anything exclusive? Fleetwood Mac. Oh, fuck. How great Bass lines. Okay, maybe some fashion. All right, so we have to hear that. I didn't even try. I just wanted to. I wanted to play bass cause I thought it looks cool. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's so funny. Be moody. Mm hmm. In the corner and be gloomy. Sure. So that's. I thought I took a deep bass. It turns out it's a lot more. You need heroin two or something? Yeah, You need something fatal? Yeah, we. I'm trying to think of it. Oh, you're the petty schmo. I don't know who that is. Jennifer Hall. Oh, and she was Kurt Cobain's first choice. Third, no number secondary for Nirvana. Oh, my God. Uh, her and Karen Carpenter. And then walk. Oh, no. Yeah. Denise is incredible. No, thought, like, how can I exercise and keep my A.D.D. in line and, you know, get bored? And if I actually have to learn to do something, But I mean, there's this whole thing about, having, you know, my, I had a brain aneurysm and there was an article, I think it was in May I don't know where was New York Times or something. They said that if you've had any kind of cognitive issues to try playing the harp. I told you that. You told me that the fucking aneurysm didn't work. Yes. Oh, fuck. You're. You're an article in the New York Times, according to me. Oh, it's. See how I try to, like, class it up and make it sound like I'm smart. This article in the New York Times. No, that was me gossiping about bullshit. Oh, well, that's the same thing. Well, you're really smart, so I might as well I can say that I. You told me. Oh, you did tell me. Know it. But you're absolutely right. So why is it because. Because it's a pattern that you learn. It's okay. It is the the thing with the harp is the layout of it. It's like three dimensional in front of you. Uh, kind of like it with dexterity, you know, like, if it's. But drums are the exact same thing. Oh, Harp, I guess, is just because it's your fingers. Uh, but I feel like drums are the hardest. Yeah. Ever. Like, that's so hard to do for things. Yeah. I can't keep time or whatever. I can move the piano and I can't. Like, the second you asked me a question. You like both hands. Stop. Oh, yeah. Like I can jerk you guys off at the same time. Oh, you can. Yeah, but I couldn't tell you my first middle and last name at the same time, huh? That's the stop. Yeah. Gosh, it's, like, phenomenally hard. Wow. I can drum while giving and get out of here, but that's okay. Music. Now I'm obsessive, you being a musician, I really want to just. I would love to learn one song. That's a that would be my high school challenge. Fleetwood Mac dreams is so easy. Oh, really? Just that did it do? Yeah, I bet I could do that. Let's try that. Okay, so then maybe by our 12th or 15th episode, we'll work with the theme song. Okay, I'm driving. Okay, great. I would love that. That'd be fun. Yeah. Yeah, She's cute. I love my bass. I play bass in a band. We were so bad. Really? what was the call? Okay, okay. We got copyright. We were so. Yeah, we were so bad. Mm. But it gave me a great excuse to, like, slam six beers in 3 hours and, like, kill a pack of cigarets at practice. That sounds like a Texas thing. It's very much. You're a garage band, which I guess is in the garage. Only because it's in the garage. Oh, that's so funny. Oh, let's just do it. It would be so fun. Yeah. I love thinking of band names. Um, what's your name? Magdalene. Yeah, that awful. Named after the original. Oh. Oh, you're after Mary? Yeah, She's the. Oh, yeah, I was actually my great grandmother. My great great grandmother was the whore in the Bible. She was that. And we trace it back. Oh, God. Okay, we have to think about it. Okay. Jeremy Kramer had one of my favorite band names. Obese teens. I think that's pretty good. Yeah, And Cut Punch, All of that's really good. That wasn't atavistic. That's fucking amazing. Yeah, we should just. For that. That's great. Rename it. Okay. Yeah. you and Margaret Cho have this amazing show. You've been going on the road. Do you find that you actually try out new material or do you spend a lot of time pandering to the crowd to get over? Because that's kind of why I don't go on the road. I feel like I don't ever get to try anything new because I'm just like, yeah, I am too scared to try new stuff because it's not my show. Oh, I see your show. Mm hmm. And I don't want to take anything or lose her audience. Mm hmm. In any way, shape or form, make them be like. I don't really enjoy this because it's not my thing to ruin. Mm hmm. But that's why I do early shows, because I'll try new stuff out at shows here. Right. The audience is suck anyway. They're not going to laugh at my stuff. The. But you know what I mean. Oh, but no, I'm too scared to, Oh, yeah. If it was my show. Yeah. An hour to fill. If I can fill it out. I feel like you. No, I mean, one of the reasons I stopped kind of going on the road is that I couldn't try out anything that was even slightly edgy, I thought. Tell the audience that you're. This is new. I hate when people do that. Oh, no, I don't. Because then they like, I don't know. Then they weigh it so differently. I just try to like, put it out there and then move on. I don't like it when comics laugh at their stuff as they're saying it. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. Or when they break, like, you know, like they like SNL, like, turned into, And the thing that's happening right now is everybody. Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah. There's more. Number one, like Converse, at least on social media. And that's where people are getting followers and shit to do crowd work. Oh, fucking old school. I'm like, That's so hard. Yeah, I think so too. Ask the audience a question. Like, uh, material source material. Uh, it's an art form. And so it's like, that's what people are putting out. That's not an art form. And it's like, I should have prepared because, yeah, I make all that. Yeah, Your how crowd work is just like talking to friends at a at a at a party. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The audience, you know what I mean? Like in a friendly space. Yeah. Yeah. Waitressing But yeah. And right now, uh, the one thing that's for it, I'm like, Well, you're not giving your jokes away. Mm hmm. Because that's my whole thing. I don't want to tell new material online because I feel like they're a go. Oh, right. You can't show up in Madison, Wisconsin, six months later and say joke, right? I'm, a big proponent of people, being honest and, even if they, take something of somebody, you know, like still material inadvertently, it's not okay. Like the whole thing with a parallel thinking and all that, it's bullshit because no matter what, it's a person's livelihood when you're doing standup, you know? Okay, So, I mean, it was Mitch McConnell. I was drawing like Republicans as drag queens. Mhm. But then so I some asshole started doing it with a guy so you just, you just plug in the suggestion. Right. Uh, and then they pump out the image. Uh huh. They have a bazillion followers. Oh, shit. And everyone's sending it to me and mean, like, what goes on is so funny. Yeah. So, like, I don't even trust social media as any kind of distribution, Right? Right. Can have the same idea. Yeah. Like, who has the. It's not who set first. Yeah, And, I mean, it used to be like if you did your material, you know, on TV or recorded it. Yeah, it's yours. You know, like, nobody can steal it. But that's not the case anymore, which really sucks. And there should be. I mean, comics stand up, should be able to copyright their material. Yeah, but the other thing is, people don't do standup who like standup, especially in L.A. People use standup to become. Yeah, that's true. So there's people up there on stage who don't care about their material. Yeah, yeah, I'll have it written by someone else or steal from someone else because the integrity, they don't give a shit in the long run. Yeah. An hour special. Because that's not why they're doing it. Right? Right. Is that weird overlap? But that's also why I feel like I used to correct people if they said something that I heard another comedian say. Yeah, who might not even be in the room. Right? Right. Kid told a joke. He was like. My parents always said that I should be like my twin brother, who was my parasitic twin who died at birth? Not on the show was like, I hate to break it to you, but that's a Joan Rivers joke. Oh, wow. Yeah, but there's also his peers that are twin dad. Twin story to tell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a nerd. Mhm. Oh yeah. You have an amazing, uh, knowledge I said you know what I mean. But yeah, I'd be like, Oh my God, it's original. Yeah. Well yeah, I mean too, I think, if I may be so bold as to say, like people with integrity, like us, like if I, if I think of something quick and something comes to my mind really quick, a stand up thing, I think, okay, I got to look this up because somebody else must have thought of it or whatever. I don't want to be doing somebody else's shit. Yeah. it's like, you know, any drag queen names I thought of, like, that's genius. And, like, someone's been a drag queen under that name. Yeah. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Well, you know, there used to be kind of like an inner comic kind of policing a little bit of material like Robin Williams, you know, not to disparage, you know, but, yeah, he used to steal material a lot or, I mean, you know, just or, you know, he was just in a room. He didn't realize he was doing whatever. And at some point, the other comics kind of cornered him and said, look, you're taking this guy's material. He kept taking over the same. Oh, yeah. Well, that was Steve Pearl and Jeremy Kramer and a few but many sources, actually. Many comics, you know. but I appreciate, Robin for doing this. he admitted it or he said, Oh, I get that. I took that. And then he'd write a check. And I think that's what you do. You, give people, you know, checks. You told me that Joan used to work the improv, and she would say, It wasn't me. Seinfeld, I think, just said, This is like, we love Joan Rivers. That she would she would offer to let me buy that joke. Oh, really? Just say it anyway. Oh, really? Oh, that's not cool. Yeah. Yeah. This is a clip of Jerry Seinfeld saying something about like, uh, she cross the picket line at the last writers strike. Oh God. She had her bed bedroom show or whatever was the hosting show on. But from bed it was possibly. Oh okay. Oh yeah. Yeah. Because the, bedtime show that she produced that was just on YouTube so. Oh. And she cross the picket lines and like by some accounts was like yelling at everybody in the room that they should keep working. Oh, yeah. Because I think it was like, you don't understand how fast they get, like how hard you work, how fast that can go. Oh, yeah, I get that. I get that, too. Yeah, A different era. Yeah. Don't know. So what would you say you're striking from home? Yeah, No, I. I did. I, I've got to go back out to. I feel kind of guilty that I'm not out there picketing. I'll try. I won't once I know anything. But if I'm not a girl, it looks like I'm fucking like, No, no, but it's good, because I think they need people and they, you know, you can talk with your friends. I don't have a job with you all. Yeah. No, no, no. They just need people out there like a like a like a grab at networking, I just pull up and honk and say my name out a lot of people are like, hooking up on like, they have like, this. This. I mean, yeah, like you know, they're picketing And then when you're talking to somebody for 3 hours, they like you know, get their. Yeah. Or get them or whatever. Yeah. Wow. Isn't it enough that the guild is fine. I mean isn't it, isn't it enough that the network is fucking me Now? I know. Guild members. Yeah. And studios. Yeah. I wanted that strike. And I love protesting. Hmm. It's fun to think of funny things. Yeah. Process is the Occupy Wall Street. We did Black Lives Matter in Austin. You protest everything. It's done. The KKK comes to town every year, and so you get to protest. Oh, my God. It's always really five or six guys in chief and Ronald McDonald. And then, like, a hundred like Boston people. Of what was Chick fil A in trouble for something about that, too. Oh, yeah. Uh huh. Fucking thug. Uh, we are still supposed to be boycotting them and it's been years, and it's actually getting very hard. Oh, delicious. Ha. I thought they would have, like, come to terms with the gay people now. Yeah, they're churchy. But here's the funny thing is, tons of gay people work at Chicago. Oh, they do Chick-Fil-A and like, mobile. You know, the biggest gay is Southern man you've ever seen. We go through we go through drive thrus everywhere we just went in. I don't know where we were, but it's called Burger. Well, first of all, I'm. Yeah, I'm really trying. I'm pescatarian now. I'll still be like a egg thing and fake bacon. Yeah. Yeah. Don't you think it tastes better than, Yes, I use turkey bacon or make turkey bacon, which is also gross. Mm hmm. So it's like my of everything. I had an aunt and uncle that were, like, the healthy ones in the family. Mm hmm. And frankly, they still look great and are alive. every time we visit their house, they have this shitty like the blue bunny sugar-free ice cream. Uh huh. They like their toothpaste. Uh, like tea tree oil. Uh huh. Everything was great. I had to open the fridge like nothing is going to be good. Yeah, Always soy milk Before that was the thing. Yeah. And she had the grossest bacon in the world. I don't know what the fuck it was made from everything, so. Well, we'll. Daniel, will we do this when we're really plugging morning farms? Because we don't want pigs to die? No, it's mean and inhumane. Yeah. And eat fish. Yeah, I guess. I don't care what happens to fish. We can't feed them. Hmm. I just read a report that there's tons of sharks out in the water in the Pacific Ocean, and all of a sudden. And you're one. Yes. Do you swim? Just. I don't really know how to swim, but I, you know, kind of doggy paddle around. You mean you don't I? I grew up near Buffalo. Why the fuck would I need to know how to swim or learn how to swim? Okay, so you're in the water. Do you know how to stay, like, head above water? Yeah, I want to teach you how to flap around. Maybe I should. That. Yeah. Okay. A little. Yeah. I can float that fancy about it. Hmm. I can float. I'm just not enjoying any fucking second of it because I'm thinking I've got to keep myself up. No, I love swimming. Mm mm, mm. I just feel like if I kind of want to get these days, you know what I mean? Like where nine times out of ten we're going to get shot. I would rather get, like, a shark. That really scare me. Yeah, I'm like, if that's the way I can embrace it. Oh, my God. I don't know why that makes me think. My uncle has diabetes, and he lost his leg, really, to donuts. So it's not like a shark bite. It's not like anything I try. He a dozen donuts every day and had diabetes, so he. He was like he was swimming in a tank of donuts. Nobody warned him. He ate them all, and then he lost his leg. That's how it goes. how long does that take to roll in? Jeez. Yeah. I think the years of warning and I think it's a little at a time like it's you know, it's a toe. And then. Yeah, he should tell people. He should hear. Every time I see someone with, like, an arm cast or something, like they broke their elbow, it's like they're attack, like make up. Who cares? Yeah. It's going to have to happen. Yeah. I was in a beauty pageant. The bitch couldn't handle it. There you go. Yeah. So, Daniel, What would have to happen for you to say I've made it? What level of success do you hope to achieve? okay. When I feel like I've made it. Mhm. Well, first I want to own a house. Mhm. I feel like there's that when I can get out of a traffic ticket then I've made it. Oh uh, when somebody offers me money to have an affair. But I don't take it because I don't need the money. Oh, nice. Uh, if I get, like, I don't want, I want to be invited to the White House. Mhm. As, like, someone's guess. Okay. Um, I feel like that. That sounds really fun. Like I've made it. Mhm. Or if I'm, like, thrown off a ship by someone in a jealous rage, I would've done something worth it. Do you know what I mean? I just rage made an impact. Oh, okay. Well, I don't know, but yeah, home ownership is something. I just need to go somewhere where someone can't kick me out of the party. That's great. I can't be asked to leave. Oh, okay. That's so funny. Yeah, that's. Which is hopefully like a house on top of like a clear. Mhm. Where people can see it from great distances and they can see me in a long cape just walking around like oh nice. It made it look like put their hand to their ear and listen into the wind and say I think he's playing. To me that's Bram Stoker's Daniel Webb. He walks around the castle. Actually, I'll play that. The soundtrack to the nineties, Bram Stoker's Dracula. It was really amazing. I we had such a like, you know, extreme crush on Brad Pitt because of that. I think he's a good sex offender. Yeah. And he's a really good actor, too. Oh, honestly, this is actually how I know I've made it reverse all that I'm going to have like a lot of property. Mhm. But like grassy. Like Meadow. Ranch style. Oh. Okay. One of those kind of queens that have like you know, six golden retrievers. Mhm. Like a different color bandanna. He's the color of the rainbow. I want to be one of those. Oh that's nice. Sundance and Lucky Star. Wow. And it would be somewhere in the South. Oh, okay. Okay. I don't know. Canada. Whatever part of the earth is tropical, then don't need to be that well known. I just want to be kind of well-known enough to not have someone that is supermarket, a cashier, call someone over when I give them a 50 and then hold it up to the light. That is it. That's all I want. But I always look like shit when I go out. So maybe that's part of it too, but I just don't want them to check to see if I'm trying to pass the counterfeit. 50. What? At the weed store, they put your $10 bill through the machine, you know? Yeah. Shit. Need to go through that humiliation to figure out, Well, you want $50 bill? Well, it's happened to. Yeah, Bristol Farms once or twice. Mhm. Yeah. They've got a lenders and they're like every fucking day I'm there I actually restock things there for free. They should know who I am by now. Giant cookies. Oh I know. Mhm. I actually prefer Trader Joe's to all of them because because of egg bites which I love. Why, why have Trader Joe's done something wrong. Now. Just starting a brand. I know. Well, go ahead. I'm sure I'm Trader Joe's. It's less expensive and there's a bigger variety. And the food is. I think everything's fresher, too. You're real famous because real famous people shop at Trader Joe's because they think they want it normal and fucking fake. And people who wish they were famous go to Bristol and spend too much on everything on a sandwich and olive.$15 a bar is asinine. Yeah, I went there for cough drops, which are good. Yeah. Those you could probably get at Ralph's instead of like literally the same price as like this. But everything is the same price as a lozenge. You might as well get drunk and forget you have a sore throat. Yeah, I don't. Yeah, that's it. I don't. What do you want? Like. fame or money? I've never been able to hold on to money, and I don't know. I don't know. Like, is it one with the one comes with the other? I guess I just. People are. Yeah, but you got to look good when you go in so they don't run your toe into the gut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I needed, like, try and look good, but that's what I love about doing a podcast because people allegedly are hearing us. We get to see each other and you don't have to get dressed up. I'm like, Okay, well, Daniel, I love seeing you. And, I know. And I, we're becoming fast friends like we were. We were supposed to learn about your drummer. New Zealand houses in Ireland. Mhm. You look for houses in Ireland and Hawaii. Oh, I don't know. I just figure that. So like out of, out of the price range and just out of everything. Oh in LA. Oh yeah. Yeah. Well no I don't think I would stay here. You would. You know like, I mean just the United States brings me down. I want to go somewhere where women might still be able to keep their rights, kind of, you know, like the moon. Yeah. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, you're right. Okay, well, I hope we get there. Yeah. Oh, I know. I've made it as I fucking alone in my cape on the moon. That would be awesome. I really like that. I mean, I would love to go with you. I want to take a trip there. If you're rich, you can take a trip to the moon. That's the name of our band. But alone in my cape on the moon. That's great. Or just alone on the moon. Yes. Yeah, that sounds really good. Yeah. Yeah. I love you. I love you, too. Dan, you. Oh, and here's something. Oh, now that you've. That I have, Now I have to say this. Now I am my mother saying. Okay. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, one more thing. Oh, I wanted to tell you I. I'm no longer. You're the long goodbye. when you're really angry in traffic or whatever, if you shake your fist and go. Kightlinger. It sometimes helps. It helps me. I don't know if it would help, but I think people would say, Yeah, that's one way to get coffee. Oh, everything is going wrong. Well, thank you and good afternoon. Good afternoon. Thank you. Uh.