"Just Another Cocky Irish Puke" with Greg Fitzsimmons

He’s so funny you almost forget he’s Irish, loyal friend and legend - Greg Fitzsimmons sits down with Laura and Daniel to discuss the inherent dumbness of certain audiences, encountering your childhood bully in middle age, bad advice from comedy bookers, Laura and Greg's first encounter, the incomparable southie charm of Mary Fitzgerald, Dave Attell, The Clarke brothers, getting paid in baseball cards, Testosterone, who needs a boner these days, Greg's Podcast empire, the Family Circus Dynasty, Greg's new special, P-Funk, Emo Phillips and Greg and Laura bombing in Australia.

X:
@GregFitzShow
Insta:
@gregfitzsimmons
Website:
gregfitzsimmons.com
Podcast:
Fitzdog Radio

WWTWH YouTube Channel

Laura Kightlinger
Twitter: @KingKightlinger
Insta: @laurakightlingerlives
Web: laurakightlinger.com

Daniel Webb
Twitter: @thedanielwebb
Insta: @the_danielwebb
Web: thedanielwebb.com

Transcript

0:08

I'm so glad that we are here with Greg Fitzsimmons. The the the brilliant the the the anti profit. What? What hasn't he done? He's a writer. He's a comic. Is beloved by all. Greg Fitzsimmons. Greg Fitzsimmons. Did you say blown. By all. I said beloved by all. Yeah. But you're but your beloved and said and your podcast is great and that's been going on for how long. Well you've been on it several times. Right? No, just once. Just once. When I shat on your person for saying your book. Norm MacDonald And then I kind of ruined it from there, I think, What did you do? Well, I had to tell how awful I was treated awfully. I was treated by that guy by name by now, but we were not going to say that. But anyway, I. Know you two felt it. Yes, with Norman. I know. Yeah. Yeah. My friends. Similarly, I have a a female comedian friend who, when he passed, had a similar experience years was like just voicing my experience and then the trials thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So let's start again. I Greg, you've got a great car, a great life. The last time I talked to you, I think you were putting together a new bed and was showing off in front of your wife and you threw your back out. Is that right? I believe that was it. Which I love you for doing that. Yeah. I think there's. There's certain times where I. I don't know if I'm doing it for her. For me. Okay. It can still happen. Yeah. Yeah. You know, trying to. are you talking about we. I threw her back out putting the bed together. Yeah, but I thought it was also. Get the bed together. And then I had sex. Yeah. Yeah, I think it was all in the same thing. Yeah. Yeah. You know, married life, you know, you have to get it where you can, like, during a chore, right? Yeah. Greg Yeah, but. And I met Greg's wife, and she's beautiful and smart and funny. And I think at that time, too, we're talking about your. Well, your kids are teenagers, and one was on the roof. Do you remember that, or was that during your podcast? okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. And then we have to get her down. She's always been like the kid that she was. She was at school when she was in kindergarten and she left campus. friend. jeez. But the that is a kindergarten through fifth grade and they shut the entire school down because they couldn't find her and she was just hiding behind a tree for an hour. Wow. Okay. Old us. And they said we lost your child. Well, my God, What? The big fuss was just like. But it's funny that she's an she's an athlete and now she's a surfer, right? that's great. She likes to surf. Well, that's amazing. I you know, I've tried it, but I just feel like it's like getting out. There is so much energy that by the time I do, I don't have any strength left to get up on the way. I catch a wave and all of you. But I just. It's okay not to like to think so. what? The lifestyle I envy the people that are into it and including my daughter. Just. Yeah, not my thing. I like, I like sports. Where you like badminton. I know that. I'm good at it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it because I'm good, right? But the rest of it, my boyfriend's a surfer. I can't do anything that requires balance. I just can't with those. Heels you. Wear. I know, I. I mean, that's because I have a high arch. It's actually easier than every time I've fallen on my head. I've been in a flat shoe. So I've been Where? Yeah. Or skates. I've fallen on my head backwards. You know, I had, I blabbed about my brain aneurysm on here, right? Yeah. Yeah. You're sick of hearing it. How is your head? I think it's all right. It's still here. I wanted to have it. Of course. I came out of it pretty fast. Like it was only about a week, and I wanted to have some new talent. Like, just be able to play the harp or the violin, but I'm still just, you know, can't learn anything. And I missed. Yeah, Yeah, I know. I did some. Yeah, right. No memories of the war. Just a white, trashy jackass like it was before. But anyway, Greg, I one of the thing I wanted to ask you is, okay, so you, you still you do stand up, and you just said you're you're go from Pasadena. So you do more than one set a night like this like in New York. Yeah. Wow, That's amazing. I tried to. It's much harder in L.A.. Yeah, in New York. It's like you can just stay in the village and there's, you know, four or five clubs you can hit. Yeah. And out here, it's like, you know, there's there's the three that are next to each other, the improv and the laughter. You know, one of them, I might say, which one, but one of them is like a hack. It's a hack. I'm a said hack factory. Yeah. Wait a second. Let me think it is really a hack that I can say because I don't work there. You mean the Laugh Factory? That is a hack factory. Yeah, well. If I was weird, it's. I don't know what it is. It's a Honda. It. It's like the old spaghetti factory. It's the old hack factory. Yeah. It's like the crowds are just. I mean, you know this. Yeah, they're just consistently elsewhere in. Some. Buildings, they just. They're dumb. Yeah, they're marketing it. We used to call that bridge and tunnel in New York. That audience. Poof! Have you done chocolate sundaes? Yes. So that's the only show at that particular venue where I'm like, it is a comedy club. Yeah. Like I perform there and by myself. And then, you know, the weird bar in the back? Yeah. By the staircase. Who is post-COVID? The people who are wearing masks. And I did. All right. And I get off and the bartender goes, Daniel Webb. I go, Yeah, from Texas. Yes. And he pulls his mask down, and I won't say his name, but if I were to say I had a bully growing up, it was that song. no. Bartender what a good look at me now, because I just Asian on stage. I enjoy like, look, I. Know like it was just now. Wow. Well, he's not exactly a shining star at this. No, a bartender. But it was one of those I it was. You can clearly see. Do I take this moment. Yeah. Or do I just like fraternize and. And it was, it was really bad. I was like, I hate this. It is fun though, to get older and run into somebody like that and realize that it just doesn't matter. Like, it's almost like, you know, what do they call it? Let's have therapy where if you have a phobia, they make you do it and then you realize it's not as bad. The Montel Williams Show. I I know what you're talking about. It's like traumatic something therapy. Yeah. You expose yourself so your. Fight like you think, like I have bullies that if I think about today when when my can oof my bullying. That's a bully name. It's a bully name. He was a redhead, and he had a GTO in a morning. But what was his first name? Clem Clemson. I guess. Clemson. Won. The can Father his father worked. I grew up in a town that had a GM plant. Father worked at the plant and then Clem ended up working at the plant and they just lived in kind of a rough part of town. And he used to hit me. No. Punch me. Did you have an older brother? Anybody that could help you out? I used to help my older brother. but. But then I realize, like, you know, I was doing a show in Tarrytown. I was like, Well, literally, I'm the catch. You know, all of. The credit. Cards, you know? And I really, like, froze me up when I realized. Like, you know, I've had experiences where you see those people and you just. Going, it's just a. dumb redheaded. Kid. Yeah, Dad, I remember I had been I had already been on SNL, you know, done a few things, like on cable, some stand up on cable. And I walked into the mall with my grandmother and the guy I had the biggest crush on older high school. I think I even tried to flirt with them, ask him out, was working at Kinney shoes in the mall, and I kind of felt like, well, I mean, I don't know. I think I feel like I said hi. And he kind of sheepishly said, sheepish sheepishly. He said hi back, but for a second. And then it was just like I remember his name. I'm like, I say, his name. Look, that might be me, Kevin Duma. Would you get the shoes? He was super. Cute and. I. Shit. Yeah. That's what they call him. But. But that didn't matter anyway. okay. Yeah. New York. Okay. Yeah. It's like 20 minutes north of the city. Back on the Hudson River. Yeah. And I started staying up in New York also. Now Boston out. I went to college in Boston. Okay. At Harvard, I'm sure University I. And then I started doing stand up and, you know, got pretty lucky because as you know, you. You spent time up there. Yeah. Just rooms. Everywhere. Yeah. Good rooms. Yeah. And there's cross comedy, which I know you used to do. Cross country. Yeah. And I was laughing. You know, Dana Gould was on the show and we talked about Robin Horton. Do you remember. Him from Catch a Rising Star? Yeah, getting get a getting. And just in general, like, I think of, like, all the advice, the bad advice, consistent bad advice that I always took and even I remember Silver Friedman at the Improv in New York said I needed to wear a hat once. Yeah, she said, I need to stand out somewhere somehow and I should wear a hat. And I was like, All right, No, I never did. A tall redhead. bless her heart. Yeah. And but I didn't do the I don't know, I didn't. I just was like, I remember, I think God, I had really Henriette Mantel and Nancy Shane, who were good friends, who'd already lived there for a while. And and they said, you don't have to take every bit of advice that you get. You don't have to wear a hat. Robin Horton I come. Robin Hood used to do most sublime club. It was. It really was a good one. Yeah. And, you know, and it was smart comics. Barry Crimmins. Yeah. And so you'd go on and you'd audition, and then you'd go into Robin's office. So I do my set. I've been doing it for like five years. And, you know, I was a little bit hacky, McGee, but I also had some I was. I was a smart hack. I heard about from. Okay, Yeah, Yeah. Like, I had. I had jokes that were conceptual enough that I put some thought. I don't think of you ever being a hack. It's okay. I mean, not not a bad hack, but, like, I was passable. Okay, So he goes, finish the set, and I. And I go and I walk up to him in the awkward moment where you go like, do you like. The, you know, God. Look at him. And he goes, Well, I can either tell you what I think or you can come back and try it another time. my God. now tell me. We think so. We go into his office. shit. And he. Literally said, As far as I'm concerned, you're just another cocky Irish puke puke. Cocky Irish puke. wow. Now, is PUCA a general slur, or is that also apply to your Irish heritage? I thought I felt like slandered again as an Irish was more so than when Laura Kightlinger offered me a drink and a potato. Yeah, I did that. But that was just by accident. I'm always drinking. And Caitlin Gill had brought these fried potato pastries from Porto's, and it just was a bad confluence of things. Our patriarchy is we need to film the part where you greet our guests with racial slurs downstairs. Yeah, I know. And then I rushed Daniel through out. Daniel's the star of this podcast, and I'm always, like, pushing him, like, Come on, we've got an hour. Yeah, it is. But I've never heard someone call a puke. That's really horrible. And here you were a young guy here. You were a young kid, too. He shouldn't have said that. Now it really hurt. And then Lucian Holt, who I came to love. Me too. I loved him immediately. It was so nice. Yeah, but he gave me some harsh. But it was great. If you're going to be a comedian. You need to embrace that kind of rejection. Yeah, I'm going to show you. When? When Luciana Holt told me that I didn't pass to the strip, and he said, you know, you're just like another white guy or whatever. And I just said to myself, I started showing up every single night and I'd sit there and I wasn't like, in anyone's face. I hung back and I just tried and and I fell off. And and I think that, you know, that's part of comedy is like there's we both know, brilliant comedy. Yeah. Jay London How about. I love Jay. I just saw him recently. He was at the news this New Year's Eve thing at the puppet Theater with Ron Lynch. But I mean, you got people like that. You go like, okay, this guy could be a superstar. Yeah, but does it have what do this personality traits that you need to succeed in any business like presence. But that you have to have some sort of presence, an appealing presence somehow, I think. Well, I think that's part of it. But I think there needs to be a business sense and I mean, yeah, I and there needs to be like professionalism. Yeah. And you have to stick up for yourself all the time. And sometimes that's taken in the wrong way. Yes, I know. Very funny comics that just have even we started. Yeah, it was like, okay, you get 50 bucks to open and then this booker goes, Well, I'm going to give you 30. And that person goes, Okay. And I was the one that went, No, he great. Yeah. And I. Ended very. Katz learned his lesson from that, that shit. We used to say Barry Katz would book us in a coffin if he could. If he could make any money off of it. There was a barricade story. I think it was Frank Santarelli. He Marty living torture comedian. Just cheap and mean spirited. And he's a nice guy now. And so. Everybody is close to. Death. He calls a. Friend. Yeah. Frank calls him up and he goes, You got anything for me? And Barry goes, Yeah, I got a gig up in Maine. It's three and a half hours. There's no hotel. You got to drive the opener. And. It's $150. You want it? my God. Thinks about it. He goes, Yeah, I'll do it. And Barry goes, It's cancer. I my God, these guys are so awful. Because they could be that mean. Yeah, there's that many people trying to get the spot. Yeah, Yeah. When you get over in Boston. I think that's where we first met Arthur Cross comedy. Yeah. And then I remember you. You came to New York and I said, let's let's walk around. We got an ice cream cone. Am I wrong? Okay. Yeah, that's right. I like to ice cream. We're at the club. You are? You want to get some ice cream? I was like. whoever you. I know, I moved to harder stuff. We became much better friends through Mary Fitzgerald. Yeah, we did that crazy film monument. Yeah. That's right. And Mary, now, you know, Mary's back, and she's in Somerville. We're very close. yeah. you know. jeez, I know. I miss Mary. I haven't talked to anyone. Dorchester. okay. Well, she was going to teach in Somerville, I thought. And then she changed her mind at Emerson or whatever. Okay, Get Emerson is a, you know, it's kind of a try out as a professor. Taught two classes one semester. And of course, you know, Mary, they fell in love with it. The kids were like. my God, you know, because she's like, Yeah. She's so hilarious. But then she's this girl girl. Can I say. No? Woman Yeah. I grew up in a really tough part of Boston. In Dorchester. Father was a bookie for Whitey Bulger. I was in jail my whole life. She had, like, she has, like, five brothers and sisters. The all the boys were all Golden Gloves champ car. And she just, like, got a scholarship to go to a fancy prep school in Massachusetts for free. And she got a scholarship to go to Wellesley because she was smart and she ran track. And then she ended up years later as a writer. She was right now out here for 20 years. Yeah, It was like, I'm done. Yeah, this sucks. Just to listen to the men who are assholes all day long. And she. She made me laugh so hard. Nick. You know, she was with Nick Smith for a long time, and Nick said that she chased some. They. Which I love the setting of this. Somebody cut her off in traffic. She followed them into the Jo-Ann Fabrics, and then once they were inside, she picked a fight with this woman in Jo-Ann Fabrics. And I just love that. I just love that the women enjoy fabrics their dyes. Yeah, Yeah. But this is the someone on the street that cut her off. I mean, a car cut her off. She followed the car into the thing, and that was that. But I love her for that. one time it was in New York and. Shoot. Do you remember her previous boyfriend? Maybe you didn't know an Irish guy named Sean Burgoyne? No. I didn't know him. I. I remember talking about him. Yeah. So she got. Can I tell this story? I can't. Go ahead. We could take it again. We can undo. It. All right, Let me tell it. When you decide. Well, you know, I'll tell you one thing that she said that made me laugh so hard. Okay? So she was kind of she bought a house and once it was redoing it and that must be maybe that was in Dorchester in she she calls me LA. I just bought a house where all my were all my boyfriend were raped at the church around the corner from where all my boyfriends were raped at the church. And so and so heard through. I had this guy live on my couch. My senior year of college. I had four roommates. This kid, Sean Burgoyne, shows up to my apartment one day, and he had met my brother. They got thrown off a train together in France once. wow. To the state place. Stay. And my brother just gives them my address, and he shows up. He's got a duffel bag, and he's got that thick belt for Fitzy. what about? I love it. Earlier, I used to say So he comes up for the head of the Charles weekend, which is this big boat. yeah. And so he comes up for that and stayed on the couch until the spring. I literally didn't move it. My post regatta and but my roommates loved him so much. He was so funny. he was a bartender at the airport. We'd all go to the airport. amazing. Miss the pre 911 world where you could just go to the airport to go to the bar. Yeah, Yeah, right. Those kind of things. Yeah. Yeah. And so. So then he starts date. Mary and I meet Mary. Just fall in love. Yeah, of course she's hilarious. That was, you know, 1989. okay. So it's been 335 years. We've been very tight, but they moved to New York and Mary. I know they moved to New York together. Moved to New York together. Wow. Okay. He became a fireman because he's Irish. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's a fireman in Manhattan, and but he's a drunk. And he would he would go to the Fitzgerald Hotel and drink with people. And so she and I go out to lunch one day and we come back at like three in the afternoon and we walk into the living room and he's splayed out on the couch with his pants around his ankles, passed out with Kleenex on it. no. So he just had a bad cold, right? That is of one bad cold. When you have to take your pants off to blow your nose. Am I wrong? Snaps. And she goes. You mother..., you have been me and your jacket off in the middle of the day. And she starts. Getting up and he's pulling his pants. 01i fell down. Everything's ever happened. That's amazing. Yeah. And that's the last place I would take that I would be more. Why aren't you at work or. Yeah. Is there a cat stuck in a tree somewhere? Is that not sexy anymore? Because I, you know, like I like to say, to get well, I have had I like. Is that not sexy to kind of lure your lover into bed by saying. I have with. That accent? No, I know. I was laughing. I was talking to this friend of mine because girls younger than me and we were talking about and my friend is newly divorced and dating a guy who's much younger and really saying, yeah, you know, I think maybe going back to dating older guys because the thing I miss is but when you did a younger guy and he gives you a gift and then they have to say, and I bought it with my own money. Like he has a favorite. You mean I didn't give it to you or your mother? You mean you've somehow bought this on your own? You, you know. So you get married. How many years? Three years? Four years ago. I got to ask you. I'm dying. And what? You are just. A pain in the. Ass. Fabulous woman in Hollywood. You all you really are. You're. You're just. You're glamorous, you're cool, you're kind, and you've always rubbed elbows with interesting people. I need to know. Give me a couple of names for the wedding. Who was there? What? Comedian? You don't. We didn't get married. I mean, we didn't have a big wedding. We went. It was so we've yet to have a real wedding. We went at your imagining. No, no, no, no. Somebody from Will and Grace. no, no, no, no. We went. It was so it was almost laughable. It was at the Cesar Chavez courthouse. And. Yeah, but I was the only one that wasn't pregnant there and and way older than I could have been. The grandmother to the young Mexican and Chinese couples that were getting married there. And and Garrett and I, they had like a podium and a plastic vine over. And you didn't need to have a a witness. You don't need to have witnesses anymore. So just the two of us. And we had a gun. There are no women. No. And it was so funny. But I mean, Garrett cried because he realized he'd made a mistake. And and it was so we got to pastor with, like, a bum hand so he couldn't. And we didn't know this till we both stuck our hands out to shake his hand. And then he couldn't lift the certificate. So we had to lift the certificate off the podium. And I was just like, Man, if we had an amen, You know what Ana Mitron was? I'm going to Tron. What's it called? Amateur Auto. Auto Mitron It would have been like kind of better than that guy because he could he couldn't do anything but speaking to a microphone automatically. Yeah. Because if we had, like, a robot, it could have, like, lifted the thing and gave it to us. But anyway, it was just so ...ing of, I don't know. Is this hilarious. No. No. Does that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was true love. But also Garrett's back had been like, thrown out and he and he needed to be on. Good. I've got amazing insurance. I'm on Writers Guild, and I loved him. I knew we were going to get married. So I said, Let's just get married now, and then we'll have a real wedding and something some other time. So. Yeah, You're going to have to give me away. And Daniel is my bride's matron, my maid of honor. You're right. Yeah. Yeah. I'm in charge of the bachelorette party. Yeah, which is great, because you already have the penis straws. Thank you. Glad I got to be there right now. I've kind of. I've got. Who? Who is is nice. Mark Flanagan. Yeah. No, I've kind of, like, fallen out over there. I'm never there anymore, and he's never. He never asked. I don't think there's a lot of loyalty in that club. It's kind of like who is super famous and they get to be there and that's that. It's funny because I play golf for them. No, we like to back down to the club. He goes. yeah, maybe he meant golf club. No. But what do you have like your home club here that you usually go? Usually the store? Yeah, I like the store a lot. Just because it's it's just like feels like a New York club. That original room makes me. Reminds me of New York showcase. It's got a Westie vibe. Yeah. Like a like, well, you know, like a Gangster by the Sea. Has a bad reputation with more the alternative world. I think they sort of paint the store as this very aggro kind of. Is that true? I don't know, because I. I feel like I've always been sort of mislabeled as an alt comic because I'm not. I've never been I've been kind of came up with those people. But I was not an alt comic because first of all, I never had the guts and I still don't to go on stage with that material. You know, they can riff with people and whatever and just come up with what happens that day and they're okay if it's not that funny or that anything. But I'm not. I really want to get laughs from something I've written. Yeah, I remember you walking on stage one night at Largo, the Old Largo on Fairfax. I love that club in Cambridge. It was a magic round. Yeah. And you walked on and you went, I don't have a lot of new material. I had one of those days, write a script, do. So I had to just throw myself down and masturbate. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. When there's too much to do. Yeah. That thing that. I would have. She had her own bottle at. An. End of what. Vodka? Yeah. Sky. Vodka. Yeah. Because they didn't have vodka with your name or they had vodka, but not the kind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was in a band and we played in Dayton, Ohio at. sure. What was the name of the bar? Cadillac Jack. Wow. You played. And then the next year when we for some reason played there again, a Jager killer. my God. my. God. that is the worst movie. In the universe. They're all good. It's amazing. But you really only don't even want one, let alone two. So it's like you try to just, like, you know, vented just to take advantage of the compliment. I used to have a joke about your meister because that was his drink. my God. He's like, you know, you never see a commercial for free. Yes, I thought of a commercial for rager meister. You just see, a kid alone on a swing. It's not moving. Yeah. Sad scenario. That's fantastic. he's hilarious. So insomniac. Yeah. He did one in Austin, Texas. And Austin was such a small town when one famous person was in town. And all I was known trying to run him over. Not in a bad way, but find him like he's on 610. You did a lot of stage time at hotel back in the day. Yeah. Yeah, I'm the same. We did a little animated thing together and now it's like it's funny. Like the people that were old friends, they were doing well. Like, you're one of the few that I can still reach, I think, because with Dave Attell, I had to go through, I don't know, Dave RATH and few other people just to get him because he was going to be out here to do this animated thing with me, to do a voice. And he did it. And it was called I Owe Larry David Money. And that's a whole other thing, because I am one of these assholes that can be so in debt that I owe the richest person in Hollywood money. And and also that there's somebody cheap enough to ask me for it. Yeah. Anyway, that's Hollywood, but yeah, but yeah, I missed that. And I keep blabbing about doing like a Boston night of comics because, you know, I was working on a show and I get to see Lenny Clarke all the time and my clock. What what you is Lenny Clarke. Extended family? Is that the Mike O'Malley thing? Get out of here. Yes, yes. That's a me as it aired. Yes. Yes, I, I, I mean, I kind of rode on that. I mean, I didn't get much in, but. Yeah, Yo, yo, yo, yo. Those two are funny, Mike. And because, like, Lenny got sober, like, 15 years ago. really? my God. And they went from, like, I'm not speaking out of school. I mean, Lenny talks about, like, a lot of blow for a lot of years. I remember that. And then they took all that energy and they put it into golf. wow. Right now they're like, you know, like, Michael, I'll I'll post something and Michael writes something kind of positive and cute. It's Out. Mike Okay. Yeah, Yeah, I got a I, yeah, I was lucky enough to work with Mike sober, I guess, except I'm, you know, I'm not. And of course I'm not ever going to be. But I love seeing Lenny because and I, I've probably told this story way too many times, but, you know, do you remember, like the doing stand up at stitches in Boston? And I said, we did standup. my God. Okay. Because everybody there was the cooler of alcohol and everybody doing coke in the back room. Right. And I was afraid to do anything because I was so nervous about being on stage anyway and forgetting what I was going to say. But I remember I met Lenny and I probably I was probably like 23 and and I had come from New York, you know, to Boston, and I wasn't. You ever live in Boston? Yeah. Yeah, I went to Emerson, so I was there. Yeah. And then I just. The thick Boston accent. It took me so long to go. And I remember one of my first first times I met Lenny in all the amazing, like, Boston comics where he said so. Yeah. And I said, Excuse me. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to. And I said, I don't excuse me. And then and then Kenny Rogers. And says, Laura, I believe what the gentleman is asking is, Are you a lesbian? And I said, no, I'm not news. because, you know, I never see you with anybody. But I love Lenny and Kenny Rogers and it's still like my favorite Kenny Rogers and I love so much. Yeah. And we were talking about Mike Sullivan. The nickname. really? Mike Sullivan. You remember Mike Sullivan? Yeah, of course. Yeah. Yeah. We kind of. I'd say he had like a the Prince Valiant haircut, and he used to live. Sullivan. Irwin he did? Yeah. He was a fat guy, right? No, no, he's a skinny guy. Not Mike Donovan. God. It's Mike Donovan. I'm an asshole. Mike Donovan How dare me? Mike Donovan, One of the scientists of Joe. Just brilliant, brilliant and just too smart to be a comic. He's so funny. But yeah, Dana and I were talking about how, like, everybody was so paranoid in Boston that you remember he used to play on stage. Quit quit things to do that. Mike Donovan Like, he goes like, you're sleeping and you're everybody's afraid, You know, you quit. Quit like it. If you're afraid of it all. So stupid. But I mean, he was mocking the people that were, like assholes like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shit. And because worked on the Boston Strangler case, he was. You're kidding. Me. Holy shit. So he grew up, like, in bar in Real Boston. Wow. And meanwhile, like you said, he was an intellectual. He was. He would literally go to stand and he'd go to Cranston, Rhode Island, and then drive home, Russian history books. yeah. Writing Russian history. The big and brilliant. The person who was always tripping, always on acid is the same person who was valedictorian. Yeah. Ripping when they gave their speech. Right. An average of they ...ing professor of like biology. Yeah. Yeah. He finally published his he worked on it for 20 years. This volume of Russian history. Wow. He the thing about Boston, it was so many rooms. And if you had a car and you were an opener, you were consistently getting work as all the headliners got DUI. Jerseys, grant gig. Picked them up and. That's why. Well, that reminds me of that poor guy they called home James yesterday. shit. Okay. Yeah. he won't. They won't be listening. No, no, I was going to say I don't want to. I didn't want to. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to. I didn't think he we, we might not be listening anyway. I just thought maybe that was mean, It's just the most perfect joke. This guy, Doug James, and the only way he got work is driving headliners. So said Doug James. They call them. James. Take me home. Yeah. No, I'm sorry to interrupt. Please go ahead. So anyway. So, Donovan, I lived in Brooklyn right near Donovan, and we were working at the Providence Comedy Connection Polish Saturday. Very nice. Quiet guy. Never talked, I picked him up in my Volkswagen Rabbit. It was a 76. Yeah, that sounds great. And we drove down to Providence, and we do the shows and we drive back and never say a word. He just. We put the Celtics on on a ham radio because he loved Johnny most. yeah. And then we. We'd get back to his part and I dropped him off. He kind of not at home for three nights. And then finally on the last night usually the the headliner and give you some gas money. Yeah, eventually come inside. So I go into his apartment. I was like, All right, I guess he's going to get me some money. And he comes out and he hands me, you know, those laminated sheets with baseball cards in them. He was a huge baseball card. wow. What was his apartment like? First it was dark, Smelt like pot and it was a basement. But it wasn't like he was a hoarder or anything. He had file cabinets filled with baseball cards. okay. Multiple. Amazing So was probably $1,000,000 for the Kraken. Sure. So he gives me six laminated sheets of baseball. I got this great. I don't give a shit about baseball, but if I can trade cards, I can go to my bike or something. And so I take them home and I throw them in a trunk and the trunk ends up in my my aunt's basement in the Bronx for like 25. my God. It sits there. And then she died and we went to the basement, were cleared it out. And I come across the baseball. Wow. And I look at them and three of the pages, which means about 20 of the cards are Mark McGwire rookie card. Or what has the biggest. One of the biggest homerun hitters in the Holy shit? It was a rookie card, which is a one time. my God. And rush off to the hobby store. And I go, I go to the guy. All right. Yeah. And he goes, Well, if he'd come in before he got busted on steroids. He gosh. Yeah. Because he gave. Me $0.25 each. Now. God damn. I still. Owe. That guy Sosa. Sammy Sosa with dosing also. Yeah. And they were kind of hitting records at the same time. Exact breaking the record. Was he out here? Sosa first was in Chicago. who am I thinking of? That's out here Sammy something and I was in Dodgers game. that was. I'd only. Steve Garvey. No, no, it was somebody that I mean, I went to one Dodgers game since I've been out here and I call going to a game drinking outside. It's so goddamn boring. God. I keep looking up like, is anything going to happen? And I was looking up at the screens. And the poor people see what? Because they'll pass through their joints. I'll tell you which players you want to yell at them. And that's where you got to see because that's where the action is. Well, it was wasted on me. Yeah. Anyway, it's so slow. And then the team takes the foot, every time they switch sides, they practice, they play catch. It's like they do. Yeah, that's right. You see him for. 5 minutes every time. 18 times they switch sides. Wow. They play catch every time. But that's also one where you can get up and walk around and come back thing, right? Yeah, it's very social. All the like sports are boring. No, you. Well, I like, I kind of like hockey because that was the only sport I could play. But I also I like watching basketball. You don't care. But now can be played in 4 minutes. All right. Why would you watch an hour? And I scored 70 points last night. Who? Some guy. I love basketball, but I saw the headline with 70 points. That's incredible. It's not like a professional league, but the next one or whatever it whatever the shittier one, but still they get paid. Now this NBA. No, no, no Hockey. Yeah that. So we had a minor league hockey team in Austin, Texas, which doesn't make sense, but they were the bats or something like that. And they played in an old Thunderdome and you'd go, they would just let fights happen so that, you know, everyone just looked at the referees would look the other way. So it was like a real show. The miners are known for that. It was great. So we would go and first of all, the bat mascot was clearly like used to be a bear, that they just sewed wings, you know, not a bad man. They turned like a journal and like while the Zamboni thing is cleaning the ice in the middle of it, right. Half time that the bat has a t shirt, gun, chicken. shit. Like which side is louder and nobody cares, So no one's louder. trying to fashion some enthusiasm. Now these people finally get picks. The winning side and the t shirt can and he shoots it and a hits the huge speaker system. yeah. If that all this dust slowly settles and you hear the whole audience go, man, Zamboni has to come back out and clean it again. It was the most I was like, This is what we're paying for. Nobody gives a shit with this. What kind of person loves to be a mascot I wonder? Well, my friend Teddy Eriko, who he was a really good hockey player, actually, almost. He almost went pro, so he ended up working on the front office for the New Jersey Devils. But he grew up a Rangers fan. We're all Rangers fans. Tarrytown. So? So he worked the front office and then they said to one day, Hey, you want to make an extra like 200 bucks a day, be the mascot. holy shit. So they give him a devil costume. Yeah. On skating around. I bet the game I said, my God. I go, How can you, as a Rangers fan, possibly go out? And because that crowd does cheer when the devil comes, I go, How can you do that? He goes, Because I'm going like this the entire year. I was. Funny everybody's taking estrogen now. All of that estrogen. Testosterone. Oh, right. Over 40 are all um, I've been to shows where there is a doctor with a table and whoever wants to get shot up. Please share. Yeah. Well, you know, it also, you know, and the other. Energy, like forward testosterone. I mean, I'm 57. Yeah, my testosterone is gone. Right. But look. But all the. No, you look great. You look like a a young flower. Doug Flutie and other guys that do the commercials for. Them try to talk in. Unison. I know, but the. Product, they. They can't say the same thing, and. Oh, know what it's about. It's for. It's pure. It's for. I think it's for, you know, I can't stand it. You know, it's testosterone. That's what is. It's not just for to get hard. Oh, it is. Because in every commercial they go and show. Oh, that makes me so angry. That makes me so angry. That hard on is the been the bane of my existence. I would I want to like. Lorena Bobbitt that often you're saying that that's going to make. Me happy. You bloated. You know, I'm kidding. I mean, I'm just talking about how I'm not a how I'm not. I'm married. Somebody young. I don't feel that way. To be at least progressive with the Greg Louganis commercial, I'll be like, And he'll like it too. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, dude, who's. It Sure is a diving board. I Oh, God almighty, that's perfect. That's perfect. And like, when they were throwing. The football and I wanted to do this thing, and then there was the other guy who had the. Elbow. Cast or whatever, not elbow cast, but it's like, you know, he was. He was. Yeah. Elbow brace. The other football player who had the elbow brace, he does that all the time. But I thought, like if somebody was just playing for like older football players or just playing, I just wanted to play football in the backyard. I didn't I didn't care about having an erection or what. Can't we just be friends? I just need an elbow brace. I care about my own wife or anybody's. Doug Flutie trying to get me. My phone or pill ads on my podcast. You do? I literally will do it. Well, no, but that's amazing. That means. Wait a second, let's take 2 seconds. Great. Let's plug your podcast, because before we forget, because It's really funny and it's a smart. Can I I'm going to say it's a smart alternative to Joe Rogan. And I say that and it's really funny. Yeah. You will get a hard on this. It's called Fitz Dog Radio. We just did our thousandth episode this year. It's great. I remember. That's fantastic that every. Week that's way before people. Yeah, you're ahead of the curve. Seriously, It would be. You know, I see all the people I started with, like, Maron and Rogan and, like, they're huge. And I just kind of. I would be writing on a TV show. Sure. I've been raising kids and I just never put the effort into it. But I always did it. I showed it. And I have great guests. I think people that come on love to have you. Are you will you even you would be laughing. But that's such a but that's a huge. Greg, that's a huge success. That's really awesome. And I've been so mean to Greg. It's Greg. When I found out he had a nickname like and I said, You can't have a nickname anymore, Fitz Dog. You're too old to have a nickname. I think it ruined the podcast. I think the name of the podcast is so not me. I No, no, no. Being on brand like my brand is over there and I'm over here. Like, it was a joke in college, my friends. We did. You had like two fraternities and we cared about them and so I hated them. I hate I tried to fight a whole fraternity one night and so they started making fun of me by calling me Fitz. Yeah. And then it just stuck. And all my college friends called me. I remember that. And you're told I was being mean to you about being called Fitz dog. But I probably wrong. Take ownership of it. So it's not a bully. True. It just was. The lazy, easy way to name my podcast. But I. Like it in a way. I like it. I'm just teasing you because think about it like Bobcat and and. Barry was Bear. Cat, Did you know that? And Tom Kenny, who I love is Tomcat. I had no idea that that's you know it's something. It's from the same town. Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No Rockland or or No. No, not Rockland. No, no. You know, you're right. It's like someplace that has a lot of apple orchards, and I can't think of it. I don't know. But Jamestown. But I'm. I'm closest to I was pretty close to the Peace Bridge. We're pretty close to the Canadian border. Like, not as crappy as Tonawanda, but it took us about an hour to get to Buffalo. Let me ask you this. Are you in that is there a comedy museum in that town? There is, and I'm not. Can you imagine what a highlight. You know, what a. nightmare, though. You spend your life trying to get out of your hometown and be something be a comic, and then there's a huge comedy museum in your hometown. That's a kick right in the current of but. That. I don't need that. That really is the only thing that you might do. And it's an amazing museum. Amazing. It's beautiful. I guess I could be in and I could send stuff and be in it.$50,000. Yeah, I know. How much would I have to. Pay to be in the museum and the town there? I grew up, you know. Somewhere in there. Oh, there might be something. Oh, damn. Oh, you went. I go tour with Margaret Cho, and so she. They gave her a private tour, so my dumb ass was just there by luck. And so we got to see the it. This was last year. George Carlin. Yeah. And so we got to see it before they let it out. And I was like, What's that? It is like his list of dirty words and you're like, everything. And Kelly's actually, we saw Kelly Carlin. Yeah. No. Is George Carlin a big influence on you and your? Without a doubt, yeah. I would say Bob Newhart and George Carlin. Me too. Oh, me too. What do you know? The. This is my favorite George Carlin joke ever. It's not even a joke, but the balloon guy, he goes, I'm a balloon guy. Sometimes I say, give me a balloon. Sometimes I say, Gary. I don't remember that. I love that. Joke. Oh, shit. God, that reminds me of doing. I did stand up one of the times, one of the many times I'm going to say one of the three times that bombed really badly in Vegas was I opened for this guy who made balloon animals out of rubbers or condoms, as the young kids might say, and his. His condoms. Anymore. Okay. And his big finale was tying up a condom and and then he made it into a wiener dog. And there was no way I could follow that. Nobody could. ...ing follow. I was like, I was 5 minutes in and I was like, I wish I could give you all the money that you've lost to be here, because I know that that this whole show is a consolation prize. And I wish I could give you your retirement money back cause. Wait a second, Greg. Now, your dad. No, no. You checking up on your heart and all that stuff? Because I know you didn't. Your dad had a heart attack. He died in 53, and he was in repose in New York, face down on the table and just gone. And his parents died in their forties. Shit. So it's good we're recording this now. No, but, Greg, so do you. Because my. My dad had a heart attack. A heart attack at 58. Just. Yeah, well, my dad smoked three and a half packs a day. Wow. And he was an alcoholic and he didn't exercise, and he was very stressed out. So I quit drinking. I quit smoking. I take a statin for my cholesterol. I work out, like, four days a week. Wow. That's great. Yeah. And the only thing is my stress. I think I'm still a stress case, and I think that that's ultimately the biggest factor. Well, you do so. Much at once. You're still you're a good dad and you still try to impress your wife. And she goes along with it and. And and your podcast and you do standup every night that you do tons. You do you do way too much. Yeah, it's too much. I think I'm going to maybe lose one of the podcasts. Wait a minute. You three. Are. Jesus Christ. I didn't know that. I thought there was just the fits. Doug Now I do Sunday papers every Sunday with, you know, Mike Gibbons, my buddy Mike. I feel like I do like. He created Norm MacDonald's last show. I do know, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, and he's, he's. He runs the roasts. Oh, shit. How cool. Okay. So he was my best friend from college. Oh, man. I went different paths and ended up like. Yeah. And so. And then what's the other one where you do three podcasts? Oh, I did that one with him. We go through this, the Sunday paper, and we do entertainment and business and sports. Oh, that's. Smart. Have you ever read the wedding announcements in the New York Times Sunday paper? No, there's so funny. Yeah. Oh, it's kind of. Work and got there. Yeah. Pages. One announcement is like a full page. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I thought you. Meant 50 grand. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's a fight just to get it in. Yeah, Yeah. About timing. Yeah. What about Sunday papers? What do I like about. Yeah, it just. used to get times every day. Mm hmm. I get it online. You better get going, because lot of papers pile up, and I wasn't reading Wednesday third, and so now I just went with Sunday. It's a smart way to be political, actually, to kind of keep on. What? Yeah. Keep up on thing. Yeah. Sums up the week. That's what I like about it. Yeah. You know, the op ed page covers the big issues you need to know and it tells you as a liberal how to think about. So I and I like the comics was a little kid. I would always read those first thing that got me to read got me into. I'm still waiting for Family Circus to be funny. That's what we do every week. We do. You got to be kidding. I'm sorry. I didn't know that. About how much we hate families. Oh, that's hilarious. Okay. I had family circus clippings on our ...kin relay, and I remember trying to search each one for something funny. And, you. Know, the craziest thing is, Bill Keene is the guy that writes his father created. It. Oh, shit. For 40 years. Oh, my God, I. We just joke about what. His day must be like is all he has to do once a week is come up with one. Frame. Yeah, It's. So bad. We just go like he's playing golf. Can somebody do this? His kid is dogs doing it. Wait a second. So what's the third podcast? Childish, which I do with the woman named Alison Rosen. Mm hmm. She's got babies. And I've got grown kids, too. It's about me trying to teach her how to parent, and she's not really buy it. Oh, that's great. That's a good idea. Do that. And that one's easy. We just. We just. So do you have. A studio that you go to? You just do it at your house or her. For 15 years in Santa monica. And now they're tearing it down to build pickleball courts. Oh, wow. Yes. I didn't hate pickleball enough. Why is it so that's. Not even gentrification. That's white bread ification. I can't even think of what it is. It's like bland ification. It's bland ification, ification. Yeah. So I have this studio now in Beverly Wood. Yeah, that's the neighborhood. Oh, nice. Like an office. The other place was like an office with a studio and get out of my house every day and go there. And it was a place, and it was great because my life is compartmentalized. I would go to the office of the computer, work, you know, masturbate. Sure. And then leave. And then when I got home, like it was, I'm present, I'm here. I'm not thinking about work. That's so nice of the office. And because the other place is just a studio, it's not really a place to hang out. It's been since Thanksgiving and I'm really stressed out. Yeah. My life is in turmoil. I know. Well, look at this. I'm driving Garrett nuts because we're doing this. We've been doing this for about a year, and I've been. I've been torturing cause we just started taping, and he's kind of a perfectionist. We've been video, we've been audio, but we this is the first time we've been videoing for free. Yeah. And gear is a, you know, professional cinematographer and editor. And so, like, I've been driving him nuts because he's like trying to light it so you can't see my roots and doing other things at in Poor Daniel. I'm pushing Daniel around. I feel like I'm stressed out for Garrett, but I'm making it worse for him. Yeah, I think. Is it a male thing? And I relate to this as a semi male. Is that like a long time for I don't know if it's the same for, but like if you don't give a man like a long time, then that's when I get cagey and weird. It's I think so I think women are able I think they're biologically built to raise a child, cook, keep an eye on a guy, you know, like if you go back to like, caveman days and men are like single focus, like, go kill, eat a lot and pass out alone. Mm hmm. Yeah, I like your I. Like your 1950s Bill Burr take on that. Yeah, that's right through it, I was like, well, I would say I, I, I love you to pieces, and we are going to get a vasectomy. I well, I'll talk to about But God damn me. All right. I love you, Greg. I'm so glad you're here. Hey, where do people. Go to watch you to see your funny stuff. Outfits? Starcom is the website. Uh huh. Some dates coming up in La Hoya. Oh, we got March 16th is my Saint Patrick's Day show. Do you. Want you know, I do it. Before I have my. You did my Saint Patrick's Day show once before. It was a stand up show or is it your podcast? It's a stand up. I would love to. Where do you do it? I desperately want to. Great. And then I'll be in Portland. Mm hmm. I don't know it all the dates. Okay, So people can go to fiscal occupancy. Okay, great. And and your hilarious podcast also people can. Yeah, I. Do. I always say and I think other people have said it before me is that I do stand up for free, but they pay me to travel. Oh. Oh, I love performing. I really. Yeah. Yeah. I like the challenges. Tape the new special. Oh, you did great. Yeah. Where? At Joe Rogan's Club in Austin, Texas. At the mothership. How was that? It was amazing. So where does it air? We don't now because Netflix doesn't pay you upfront. Oh, spend your own money. Shoot it. Which cost a shitload of money because it's got to be 4k. It's got to be six cameras you got of lighting packages. Oh, shit. All this money. And then I'm editing it now and then we'll show it to them and then they'll decide whether or not it goes to YouTube for free. Hmm. Hmm. I love that. It's called the mothership Shipp. Is that a nod to P-Funk? Mothership? Make my funk the people. Who got his star on the Hall of. Fame. Oh, you're kidding me. Like a couple days ago? Yeah. Yeah, He. Shouldn't have to. For God's sake. I drove past the ceremony. Oh, yeah? He had, like, a really his was like, special people were. They're like, for love. Yeah. Oh, that's amazing. Saw them live. UFO. Oh. Shit. That's live show I've ever been to. Wow. Yeah, I love it. the band is. Playing. I want to see them. For like an hour. And then George Clinton makes his. Yeah. Shit. I love that. You forget he's not on stage. There's so much happening. And so by the time the party is well underway. Yeah, yeah, Collins is up there. Oh, my God. And then he and these backup singers, these witchy women. Like my funk, the P-Funk. They had a fan on him, so they're very indoor. It's a Oh, God damn it. Yeah. I love. Alien. Yeah. Like my favorite. Minute, he just got his and I. Oh, I'm so glad. Oh, shit. All of I'm going to put stars in front of my house, but just for the family members do that. Yeah. And then they don't have to charge. I mean. Or would you charge them? I'm trying to make money. Okay, go. No, no, no. Don't do it. Do it. In Palm Springs, they have stars. Oh, they do. And like, you walk, and it's like a bit of a reach. A bit of a reach. Who cares? And I'll be like, Oh, my God, Judy Tenuta. Like. Uh huh. You want to see something crazy? What you're. Talking about? Judy Oh. It's Judy adjacent. Well, this I think you might laugh, but I was. I was on Hollywood Boulevard. I'd met Lou. We were talking about I wrote a horror film that you might want to write. I don't know. We're talking, talking, talking. I look down and there's Jack Black. Yeah, Yeah. Oh, yeah, I. Have. I, you know, dated for eight years. I was like, yeah. And anyway, and I again, this s o my God, how many people have their ex-boyfriends like on, on the ground, you know, on, on Star. Get to see Melissa. I've met this guy once ten years ago and I get to see my yesterday. Oh, I. Oh, gee, that's crazy. So it came up. Phillips found me some evening. Oh, that's my favorite. Oh, I love it. He's still sleeping all day. He's out. Yeah. And plus. Evening. You did. That. Sounds like the way he talks. Could you find. Me some. Evening? I opened for him, which was a huge pleasure to actually knew I loved him. Could not be a nicer human being. He two things he said. He. He never mentioned me at all until the last show. The last night. He goes, Give it up for your clothes. He said, What if Daniel wasn't gay? Would have been the most offensive act in Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Uh, gave me. I was trying to ask him for an autograph because I'm that lame. And somehow an email world. The conversation deviated to his wife wrote for Star Trek at the time, and he wrote down her episode number and where I could find it and I don't and doesn't say email. Phillips anywhere on Star Trek and some jagged Henrik like episode season this episode that that is my IMO souvenir which I love. Yeah because he wrote Star Trek on it and it's and so I want to get that tattooed on me. Uh, I love him on. He's one of the best joke. He Yeah. And a super sweet guy. Greg, we love you to pieces. I'm going to see more often. I hope we went to Australia together. Oh, my God. Oh, God, I That's where it got on. You know, I've mentioned this because that was one of the first times I really died in a foreign country because I had. To make a joke that my jokes went down the toilet. But in the. That's right. I remember like I was. Sick for most of it, but also the I opened with well, I'm really nervous about tonight because I'll be bombing for two. I just found out I got pregnant, you know, and then everybody applauded and I said, please hold your applause. I don't know if I'm going to keep it. And then the longest silence in history and remember, we were in like a theater in the round, like there are people all around. I was like. It just the silence. And I was like, What the How do I get out of here now? That was tough. But now, Burt, it was Melbourne. That was such a hard crowd. I think they only like the host, whoever the host with. There was British comics and they were such cons to us. Yeah, they were. So. That's right. That's right. So weird because like, you know, in this country they're really like, you know. People might talk, shit, whatever, but like, this is such a community and. You know, listen. Be nice. Yeah, they were. They were just rude. That's true. We were like, shut out instantly. That was right. I remember that. me. You. And who is the other guy? Warren Hutcherson. I do, too. God damn it. There's a lot. Of my son was like. Oh, jeez. Okay. Yeah, I think this was business class, right? Yeah. It wasn't bad, but it was so funny. On the way back, I was sick. And I know, I know. I remember because I got sick and I was trying to get into the first class bathroom because all our bad, I don't think were. No, it was Comedy Central. So it were definitely coach. Yeah. And so and it was a world tour, but it was only L.A. and Melbourne. But that was the world with that budget. So then remember getting sick and I said to the stewardess, you know, both of these, the bathrooms of coach are full and I'm really I think I'm going to be sick. And she kept saying, No, no, I'm sorry. You have to wait. You have to wait. And then finally I kind of tried to get to the bathroom without her and she tried to stop me and I threw up on the door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's beautiful. I love you to pieces. You got a show to do. Okay, Greg. All right. Love you. I'm so glad to see you. We're going to now you're going to see us more often. Hang out. Yes, I would love that. Okay. Okay. I mean, you know, let's all get together, have dinner sometime. Yeah. I want to take you out for ice. Cream and the baker. Okay. All right. Yeah. Thank you so much. Okay,