"Great Expekashians" with Jackie Kashian

We sit down with comedian Jackie Kashian to discuss Jackie's tumultuous upbringing in Wisconsin, losing her mother in a motorcycle accident, from the pew to the pool cue, The Dork Forest Podcast, therapy, White Guilt or Empathy and heckling Sam Kinison.

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@jackiekashian
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Laura Kightlinger
Twitter: @KingKightlinger
Insta: @laurakightlingerlives
Web: laurakightlinger.com

Daniel Webb
Twitter: @thedanielwebb
Insta: @the_danielwebb
Web: thedanielwebb.com

Transcript

0:09

My co-host, Daniel Webb, is on the road, and his temporary co-host replacement is, I'm going to say, amazing cinematographer Ed Van Niven. Nykvist in In the Night. Christian lighting director, Last word. Expert camel toe checker Gerard Sutton is with us today. He's my husband and also a great you're lucky This is like amazing because we've got such a great guest today. She is the creator of the the air app called Let's Milk It. It's sequels making sequels, sequels about sequels and and also. my God. Let the trolling begin. Yeah. And a brilliant, very prolific standup. She is the host of Dork Forest and she is Jackie Case. You came here? Yeah. Ha Yeah. You know what is cinematographer and so something about this thing it was that's. Wait a second Jackie first of all I'm saying Cassian and that's not correct. Right? Because it's you people like to ask it up. Cassian. Cassian Gosh, it's we've melted locations. Location, right? Because we're Armenian. But Wisconsin. I want to start the whole thing again. Now. You didn't do it. Too bad a lot of people lean into it. Yeah. All you do is put a little bit of it in. And I'll tell you this. I have five siblings. Three of them are currently doing Cassian or Cassian is. That was where he was from. Probably Lenny. Lenny me onscreen. Yeah. I believe them to be Italian like, like the big ragu. Right. Because they were it was the most New York show set in Milwaukee. Yeah. Marshall sure. Sure. I always wanted that's why I always thought of Wisconsin as the New York of, of, of the Midwest. Yeah. Coppola's Mary Tyler Moore as the L.A.. nice. Yeah. Well, see, I'm putting I end on the end of your name because you're Armenian, right? And that's how it's spelled. Okay. That's at my left. My current album, my last album, except for I did a live album. I do it very good. But that's what I said to myself when I recorded it, because I needed something to plan. Serious accent anyone but my my last special was called Staycation. okay. We're all. Home, My last temptation. Damn. See the better. Nice. Really perfect. Because cash and wouldn't work. Yeah. Yeah. It was going to be altercation, during lockdown. Well, and then lockdown happened and staycation ended up being. And I took out the story where there was an altercation. About four bags. Your family go in Wisconsin? Just the what? Just the two. My, my, my grandparents came from the genocide. Wow. From the genocide. Because of the genocide. And Jackie O. I found this out. We were doing a show with BET. It was an UN cabaret show. Yeah. And we were talking and I didn't know because you have a way of saying everything very, very funny, but very matter of fact. So that I had to be floored about it for five days later that your mom was in a motorcycle accident. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I have done jokes about this, but it's my father, of course, is like she had just turned 34 because the joke idea was that she was 33. Eight days after her 34th birthday. And I had just turned eight. And so I say I was seven and she was 33. The Age of Christ. Yes. Nice. Because she was but she was killed on a Harley-Davidson and we're from Milwaukee. And so we were proud, of course. Sure. Sure. Of the neighbors, if it had been Kawasaki anyway. But the there's all of these like like I'm it's almost like I'm related to numerology. Yeah. I'm like, it's not as funny. Not as funny if she's not 33. Yeah. And wait a second, but wait a damn. There is more to it than that. That she was. Yeah, she was. She was the passenger on a Harley Davidson. The guy named Harold. And they were drinking a lot and they flipped off an overpass and then fell on the highway below and got run over Supercentre. Yeah. Yeah. She was Harold's old lady or. Whatever they do. Yeah. Yeah, they were. My parents were separated and they were they were just hanging out. And Harold did not die, though. They both got run over. She died. And Harold, two broken legs and a broken arm, two broken arms and broken leg. Whatever it was for her, for her. And my father had been gone like he had my mother. You know, They were so young, I think 617 when my oldest brother was born. I was 19. Yeah, 19. And so, like the classic fifties romance. You know. She got pregnant, they got married? Yeah. Joined the Navy. Work? Yeah. my grandmother angry at my mother for the rest of her life. because she had so clearly trapped my father. And I was like, I don't think that's. Yeah, Yeah. And then she died. And then six kids, right? So they did not really get along. I mean, then they were very young, right? But they got along at least six times and then, and then I was about three or four and my dad essentially moved out. You know what, my father and talk about it very much. But my mother was very violent. And so I guess she started push me around. Or more, I don't know. And then and then instead of taking us with him, he was like, I got to go or I'm going to punch her back. And so. So he bolted, He didn't. She had a drinking problem. And so he gave his money. He couldn't come to our small little town because he was a deadbeat dad. And he was. He had deserted us. So. But he would give all the all the money to my grandmother, his mother, and then all of my siblings would go to my grandmother's house to eat. I was too little, so I was like three or four years old. And so my brother Phil cooked for me, and if I never had buttered noodles again. Well, it was good. It's good work, though. I mean, like, my siblings all sort of raised me. Three or four years. And it is it's a sad story, but it's a you know, it's a funny story, but it's rough. I mean, it's not funny if you want to be. I'm not sad about it anymore. So because, like, the weird things that happened are still. The weird things that happened. Right? Right. When I was sort of seven, just about to turn eight when she died, a lot of her did. But the next morning, the the county sheriff comes in to tell us that she has passed away with my dad. And we're all sitting we lived in this two bedroom apartment that was just a shit show, the six kids. And like my brother, Phil's room was the pantry. My brother Gary's room was a two season porch in Wisconsin. He was? Yeah, it's fine. Yeah. You're taking out the lights. Wow. But he and I went to bed until I was about eight years old. so it was kind of a water bed. A bit of a water. But this. To this day, my sister still still sleeps on the very edge of So you guys still sleep together? They're still sleeping together. But her wife. My. Husband and I tend to sleep on the very edge of the bed because my sister was kind of will chase me to the edge of the bed so he can spoon. For the longest time, I could not sleep in the same bed with anybody. I can't. I'm not good at it. I'm not the monster anyway. But he was like, this is true. And then it turns out he's very patient. I'm a baby bird, right? It sounded like you had no, you know, maternal influence. Married almost. Immediately. okay. He and I was My young my my oldest brother was 17. I was seven. So my dad had not told her, but he had six kids. Wow. They were together for three years. They lived together for like a year and a half, almost two years. What kids? They're my father's the kind of guy who's very much I told you, the kid, you know, Terry Phillips got Ron Stahl, Jackie, the kids. And then here's here's where Nancy made her mistake. She married me. Wow. That is sex on Earth. That's love. Yeah. Terrible taste in that. But she was a great relief. My grandmother frickin loved her. My dad's one. she was just full of responsibility. and she needed it. All right? She needed. And my dad was like, Great, I'll be back. And. And we and my dad had affairs, and when I used to this joke, but they had an affair. Because it's true, though, is that he had an affair for nine years and when, when my stepmother confronted him about it, he said not nine years in a row. Nice. she's tacky. And. But you are still in contact with your father, right? I processed all of this, and an assistant job. So I wrote, like, a one person show in 2001. And salesmen and thieves. I think one of my albums. What like about I out 120 minutes to stand upon because it was a it was just a 30 minute solo show. Yeah. Like probably 15 or 20 minutes. That's great. That was nice. And your dad was a salesman, Like a traveling salesman. Yeah. Windows, Doors. Wow. Okay, fine. My siblings are so money related. Couple of months for the most part, it's some sort of sales. And with the my oldest brother evangelist. Wow. Letterman. Wow. Well, and Andy, my husband likes to say Terri's a lot jokey. You know, there's like one job left, a glass ceiling. And he's like, I swear to God. Yeah. And his Terri's yeah, he's he's he's just super bossy. Yeah. And so it's hard to hang out with him. Yeah. And so he is now a few retired years ago and he's now playing pool professionally. He's left he's still takes part. He's. He's left his flock. Or has his own church. he's left his wife divorced. Grandchild, whatever. But the but he's he made a he made the nationals in the, in the, in the, in the eight pocket was still real good from the. From the pew to the Q. From Right. Nice. I was going to say he had God in the side pocket. so my father reintroduced back into our lives when I was about seven. Right. came in when I was eight. And essentially, like, for me, she was my mother. Yeah, Yeah. My older sister had been previously my mother. Right. And so they didn't get along very well. But then then my brother Russ had always had my father And so he was the bagman between the two of them. And then but Scott, Phil and Terry didn't see him much. And and they were, you know, they were feral by the time Nancy came back into our lives. Sure. Yeah. So she didn't. She was lot the she redrew structure. And and it was. It was amazing. Yeah. Was hard not to as my brother Phil always said. What Nancy Occasion. He said, you know, between one day and the next. It was hard to miss mom because between one day to the next, there was milk in the fridge. there's food in the house. Yeah. I wonder this. All right, that's and is now is Nancy still around? She in your lives. Was like 12 years ago because she ended up race. You raised us to carry his mom and her mom in for like three years or four years to remember. And then she found out about my dad with the with the with the got divorced, ended up going out with and then living with a guy that my dad plays cards with. That my dad was like, well, I can't play cards with. With what? W-w-what? And I'm like, Good for her. Yeah. Yeah. Take him where it hurts. Nancy Yeah, anywhere. Anywhere. You get him words. But then she passed, right? I think she just kind of grinded her down, you know? but so I, you know, I miss her. She was, you know, I was really the only one who really kept in touch with her. Wow. And I wonder how make kids. Yes, but Nancy would always talk about how she loved her grandchildren. Yeah. Two of my nephews lived about 15 minutes from her and she barely, she had absolutely no interest in raising another generation. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't blame her. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah. Cash. Yeah. People say cash a lot to. Buy them. Allocation, I think I. Like vacations. Vacation? Yeah. I can do whatever I want with my last name now. And kind of last year. very much so. We were I mean, it was it was feral until Nancy then Nancy was working this day job and she hilariously there was like scheduled meals. Right. She would get up and make us breakfast. four days. And then Friday was seriously. But Mondays and Wednesdays were egg days. Tuesdays and Thursdays were pancake days, and Thursdays were fruit and pancake days. And she was terrible. I never liked pancakes. the only thing she could make was roast chicken remains my favorite food. but the. But the. And then there was a chart for chores and for dishes. And if you wanted to get out on dishes, you had to switch. And my brothers would pay me, like, $2 to do dishes. And, And if you wash dishes, you had a sweep, And if you dried, you had to wipe everything down. I think it was never was one of them had to take out the garbage. If you've got to take out the garbage, you to take out the garbage, it got exponential and it got so bad. My sister was in charge of taking out the garbage for three years. Well, well, this is like the movie with 12. You get egg roll or whatever that was. What was it called? Yeah, the. It might have been an inspiration. Yeah. Because they had charts and. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I'm the bed and. Yeah. You know, just of if you saw a picture of my we had it was so. You didn't stay in the same house. No, we moved to a house that was four bedrooms essentially was two bedrooms downstairs. My parents were in one girl and I were in the other. And then upstairs my brother Terry had gotten old enough that he had moved out. And then, But so Phil got his own room, and then Russell and Scott shared a room. And it was in the attic, and it was all plywood. Of plywood, banking, two bedrooms and then. Just an open attic kind of thing. But it was just right. And the vents didn't work up there, so there was no heat out there. And. Russ tells a story about because Nancy didn't believe it. There was some heat up there. When I went away to college, they redid the upstairs to turn it into sort of a nice place for them to live with and bought their mother's look downstairs. They were. And they were divorced. It was like lesbians. It was. It was crazy. There was no reason for it. But Nancy said, I remember when they were did the upstairs downstairs like, you know, look, there's no heat up there. Yeah. Yeah. Like that for about four years. Yeah. And they do burn trash. They just. We all layered up like. And the downstairs was never above 58. I used to wear a hat to bed because, you know, 60, 80% of your body goes off. Sure. when Russ was the manager of the high school football team, the cheerleaders did the thing for homecoming once where they went to all the teams and the manager and the, you know, all the team people and decorated their room. And so Russ got home from school and he goes, It was roomy, came down it and he was like, Do you see what the cheerleaders did? He goes, You let them see how I live. Each had like a very thin blanket, and it was like very much like the it was the dumbest. that poor. Yeah. I mean, you had to be. You have to be, like, superior. You have to be, like, to be rich to have six kids. Yeah. And have everybody have their own bike. Yeah. But, yeah, it's. The rest of us kind of fair. my sisters are only nine year old in the world who used to look at the real estate pages. yeah. She was like, And I remember asking her why, and she was like, Well, I want this. This is something to buy. you're going to move out of my house. And she was like, you could. that's so sweet. As my grandmother like to say, you only have each other. And we both love each other like four brothers. You just damage. But though she did say to my sister one time when Darryl was about nine or ten, I guess my sister was at them like regular said, you know, because it was for boys. And then my sister was born. And she said when Darryl was born, she goes, When you were born, we were all so happy because now there's someone to take care of the boys. And my sister said, Grandma, you're thinking of someone else. that's so cute. Will be me. Did your sister become a real estate agent? A My sister is of a socially responsible financial advisor. Why? And. And. And the new head of the Roosevelt is. fantastic. She's the board. One of the board was on board and supposedly going to. She's fancy. So much smarter than everybody I know. You're pretty damn smart. Let's admit it. Look at her. Yeah, you were too. Later, you'd be like, interesting. And different. Kind of smart. Like, they're all smart. Yeah. My brother Jerry is. Could be a bill is very smart. And your. Your podcast dork. Forest. Dork. Forest. And I have another one about stand up with Kilmartin. okay. About standup, because. But the George Forest. 18 years. congratulations. Yeah, it's. Do you do that all by yourself? Podcast? Yeah, you do. By yourself or do you have a co host? Well, no, I had a co-host the first year. Joe Wilson. Great guy. He his wife moved out to northern New York to take care of their parents. And back then, probably ten years ago, six years ago and, and he did it for the first three or four years. I think it was maybe maybe six. Wow. Whatever it was one time. And then he decided to go do his own stuff. I didn't realize how much of the working missed turns out but a lot of moving parts. And then luckily one of my listeners was like your audio is awful. Wow. To fix it. And I said wiring money. And then a couple of years later I was like, I gotta find someone. So now I have like a donation thing. I don't, I don't do a patriot. We do pay for, for the Jack and Laurie but I just have a donation button and I told everybody this here, give me $100. Everybody listens. Can be $100 and a thousand people gave me $100. That would be a lot of money. Yeah, So far, a couple of people give me a That's okay. But it's fun for the audience. I love it. So. Yeah. People about what they love. Like I would interview you cared about tech, about cameras, and. And. And these toys are actually not toys. They're tools. Sure, they could be both. They're both. Yeah, like it or not. You could interview me about plays, barbecue, potato chips, pie, rabbits. Interesting. I did a potato chip episode. You did? Yeah. There was a guy out of Canada. No, he went to Canada. He was his favorite. Potato chips are the potato chips they sell the people in prison. really? Yeah. He's never been to prison. And but whoever has the national like, there's there's it's. It's the greatest scam in the world to provide food to prisons, as you can imagine. Yeah, and. But there is an everything potato chip. That he loves. That he loves. And if you want to, when you get out of prison and your jobs are on those chips. 20 bucks a box on Amazon. You just go back to prison. Or you could just go back to you just steal something and then free chips and. Or. You know, when you think about it, prisons are gated community, too. And that's why things are so expensive. Right. But yet you like always. Yeah, I like the barbecue. The barbecue place. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. She was just a regular, like, plain leis. Yeah. You know, they make these in barbecue. Yeah. Yeah. Now everything's barbecue with Garrett. Yeah, right. And it. And the barbecue comes from, like, some exit off in New Jersey, right? Like it's a pharmaceutical barbecue. Yeah. Yeah, It's like it's. Yeah, it's from. It's from Delaware. It's Dow Chemical. Sure, sure. that's why. That's why I'm so fucking hooked on it. Is it. The orange? Is Agent Orange. Yeah. I've been. I've been sniffing it. Yeah. You're just off the chips. Yeah. I find that a lot of the younger comics have ALS. yeah. The other day. And I was like, good. And then I was at another. I was at a club, and the club manager is I have a headache. She was like, Do you want ibuprofen out of food value? What? That's Bacharan. Yeah. Calm down. Yeah. I'm going to take the wheel now. You don't drink or do drugs of any kind. Is that right? No, I. I tend to fall asleep with pot, and I usually have a little bit hard to get in the States. Yeah, I mean, I suppose if I was committed, I could probably get there, but. Yeah. So you can ask one of your brothers. I'm sure you know that my brother Bill, when he was. When he was. You are always on to do something with this story because it's so funny. He was about 16 or 17. He was just a huge pothead. When he was about 16 or 17, he had a dream. And it was being a drug dealer of repute. Just to be a well-respected drug dealer. Sure he was. Yeah. The factory town. And. And so he partied so hard one night when he was. He just. He was 17 when he dropped out of high school, and my dad let him drop out of high school because he was like, But you have to get a job. And he got a job shoveling sand over at one of the foundries. And one week he lost, I think three or four days you're like, I'll go back to high school, it'll be fine. But so he was partying one night after that and he passed out and he woke up under a bush. And he walked. And he decided that he wanted to join the service. no. And he was like, I want to go to Vietnam and get, like, the hookup of where I can get good opium. Maybe they'll put me in in Germany and get the hook up with good hash. It is doing the CIA. Right. Or just. What they were. Doing. You know, my s my dad always told all of us about the service. So you can just leave town. Yeah. You don't have to join the service to leave town. You can just go. Yeah. And so he goes into the Army recruiting office, and he's like, I want to join. And I guess the recruiter is like, What do you want to be in the Army? And all he knew was Sergeant Rock. So he said infantry and left and right. And the guy was like, God, it's like Christmas bonus if you can get it. Idiot. Yeah. Decided to just be the tree. Well, it's not. Human. Shields. Yeah, well, I mean. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And so then my dad was like, okay, you want to join the army? Because he was 17. My dad had signed off on it, but like, six weeks later, Phil punched a cop and they said, You can't join the army. So, yeah, they did. He's done so many things. I want to do one more. Just one. Just punching a cop. But what were you going to say? The army. Just because the one that was the the preacher, you. Know, the one that was the preacher, he played pool, all right? And he put guys out. no. You went to jail for that. And then he found the Jesus. And here's the thing about the Jesus he found. I've got some Jesus. I'm not going to tell you a lot about it because you don't care. And if you did, that would be gross. It's a very basic I'm not hoping to make a lot of money. It's not a Joel Osteen situation, but the just very mellow B like the nice ring on the picture. Wait a second. Wait a second. You're saying you believe in God. Is that what you're saying? Okay. Okay. Hard for me to believe in God. I also believe that somewhere, Lord of the Rings is real. Okay, so I'm very gold. I'm available. I'm open to it. Sure, Why not Harry Potter? There's no way she wrote that anyway, that's. She was trippin. She just saw it. And you know, Dragonriders of Pern. Let's do it. Okay. Via. But what I'm saying is that I realize I'm sorry. That was me finding Jesus. Right? And then you're one brother. yeah. I was asking you if you believed in God. Right. But before that, there was something. Someone. Someone to put it in the notes. Just email me. Anyway, so. But yeah, it's. He went to Oslo, He went to Vietnam, but he couldn't go because. He bought shop. That's right. He could go and might get in my you know, I guess like Terry couldn't join the service he wanted to, but. Or he wasn't. He was, he didn't want to, but he would have been eligible for the draft for Vietnam. Wow. But he won lt of his for sure, in a deceased hip. Wow. And Scott couldn't go. He wanted to join, but he wanted to join. But he had. He has epilepsy. Phil was going to join underneath, but he wanted to go. And Russell. Talked about the town. Where they all thought. Well, Russ was thinking about joining. And my dad was like this. Russell was like, I wanna join the Navy. Baker and my dad was like, You have to get up at 3:00 in the morning. And Russell's like, He'll go to college. Ha ha ha. And then my sister wanted to be in the army marching band, and she, she, she passed. She knew she, like, auditioned and got accepted. And then she went in to sign the papers and they were like, just, you know, if we have too many people, you don't get to be in the band and. I'm gay. And then this was before you could be gay. sure. She was like, I don't want to be in. If I can't be in the band, I don't want to be in. Right. So she wasn't. And then she ended up because Russell because Terry didn't graduate from high school. He got his G.E.D.. Phil and Scott graduated barely. And then Russell was like, I'm going to college. I got to need college prep courses. But you know how the counselor in a family is the same person? Last name hit was Your answers was like your family doesn't go to college. Your family takes shop at the factory, and Russell is like, not me. I'm going to need some prep classes. And so he strong arm this way and got these these classes. And Darla said, Darla delivers. You're almost the same person. But very. Yeah, but blue but the decision was I want to go to college and Mr. Hans, this again goes, your family doesn't. look, you're family. You got to take all back. And, you know, and I was like, Yeah, I'm going. And so she strong earned her way into taking these classes. And so by the time I got there, I was like, I would like to take shop classes. And he goes, No, your family goes to college. Ha To, to take. It was like. Wow, the low expectation Caucasians. Expectation it should. Yeah, it was. Yeah. So I, then I went to college and I didn't, I didn't like it. But think about fucking guidance counselors. You know, my guidance counselor, I, I was in, you know, I, I guess I, you know, I was a good student and, but also I was in every, you know, extracurriculars. I was the editor of the newspaper. I, you know, I was, you know, on like you. Get into that. How did you become the editor that. Nobody wanted to do it. That's it. And high school. I 210. The whole high school are here. my class. Yeah. So they're like. no, they're me, right? They're mad about a couple people that wanted to do it, but I. I feel like I was, you know, I was good friends with my honors. English teacher and. Yeah, and she was. Yeah. And she. Yeah, she did the whole thing. Yeah. Sally Stauffer And it's so funny. My, I had a really great another English teacher who was also the drama club teacher, Mary Brickley, and she gave me like my first, my, my start in show business, I was Penelope Sycamore and you can't take it with you because of Mary Brickley. my God. I know. So that I think so. I know so Good. But I think because maybe because, you know, I had, you know, just a single parent, I was always closer to women and, you know, and I was close to my mom's friends were like, I was already like an adult female. And you had just the opposite because you were around a lot of women all the time. I have haves my my mom was a mistress. And so she. Not professionally, no. You know, she yeah, she my dad was married and this is what God did. That's what I was going to ask you, Jackie. Like my dad. I didn't really get to know him that well. And I was always asking questions about my half brother and sister. But he had an it was carrying on an affair with my mother for 18 years. And and so I remember. Yeah, yeah. In a row. Yeah. And so I remember saying to him, I made him laugh once he was an optometrist and I made him laugh because I wanted a tinted contact lenses and he said, you want to do you want to be the like the Aryan ideal of beauty, blond hair and blue eyes? And I said, Who's experimented with? Who's experimenting with eye color? You were me. Yeah. And so he laughed really hard about this. Optometrist Get to have affairs and a mistress. There's no. Justice. And, you know, I think I think, you know, the wandering Jews get their name for a reason. But anyway, so he I, he said, I said well he goes, so do you think I'm the Jewish Mengele? And I said, well I don't know. I don't really know that much about you. You know, I really know so little about you. And he said, okay, ask me whatever you want to know, because he would never let me ask questions about my half brother and sister. But I was really curious about them. And I and he said. Okay, ask me whatever you want to know about me. And I said, okay, what do you tell your wife when you sneak out to see my mother? And that was pretty much it. right, right. Because that will sum it up. And. And why are you such a douche bag? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That came later. That came later with therapy. That was another thing I was going to ask you. So you didn't have therapy as a kid or there wasn't anything that they suggested. Lady, I was talking to my sister about this because after it was 72, 1972 when she died and my dad got all six of us back and social services insisted that my brothers all go to therapy. Darlin, I were considered too young, nine and seven. And so we just had to wait in the waiting room while them and my dad and my stepmother all went in and just shouted, Wow, it was pretty dumb. And so I never had therapy until I moved here. I moved here. I met a lady who was willing to do a sliding scale, possibly saved my life. I'm sure she was. She was like, willing to. She was so funny. Duke. She was like, Jane, not in this right material. Not on this to make me laugh. I will not laugh. It's all going to be sad and real. Wow. Deal with it. Your parents are people Sometimes. They were good at what they did. Yeah, And you're going to have to process that, right? We're going to try to do this because you're paying me to do this. And it's this woman, Helene Z Harris. That's her website. She wrote a book, Cracked Me Up. It's called Are You in Love with a Vampire? An emotional. Vampire. okay, Good. okay, Good Because. And hilariously, she told me she used to do naked group sex therapy. And I said, Why don't you do it anyway? Because this was in I think I had the therapy in like 99. Three years. I had. And she said, well, eventually I realized that we didn't have to be. Okay, well. How I look naked. That's funny. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Couldn't sell tickets. So was she. Was she like, the first person that said to you this was really traumatic and it was handled poorly? No. All of my siblings told us. I mean, because the thing is, my mother died and we never mentioned her again. no one would talk about her. And my brothers would secretly sometimes talk about her. They canonized her. My brother Russ never talked about her because I vaguely remember this. She used to beat the shit out of, you know, a favorite. And it was like she was my grandmother's favorite. So Russ just got beat up so hardcore and the rest of us got beat up. But it wasn't like for Russ, you know, you think about it. And then. But did you. Know that was going on? I vaguely remember. she used to hit me all the time. Really. I was. I just remember not I knew that I was not the only one getting hit and. Not, not a spanking like a. Like smacking her lips stuff. So she knocked me radiator chip my front tooth, but. She. Was drunk. And here's the thing. This is a woman. I mean, if you remember, she's 16. She had me when she was 26. She had six kids under the age of ten. no. And my father was a salesman. He was out making money. You very much a fifties dad kind of thing, where he would give the money to her and she was responsible for every. It turns out her money skills were not great. Yeah, sure. Graduate from high school. Well, between the two of them, he would give her like thousands of dollars so she would wash. She would, she would wash her clothes. She would buy us new clothes. So she would just so when we when she died, there were closets full of rotting clothes. Wow. She would get another check and she would just instead of taking the clothes out, washing more, she would just go. So there were several pictures of me as a child sometimes I'm dressed as a princess, and other times I'm wearing, like a pillowcase. God, let us get married. And and, you know, I was not going to learn about this because Gilbert was talking about a woman who was a single mom, and she was super sympathetic. She wanted to help this woman. She got her a go fund me, and she got all this money. And the woman ended up taking two grand of the three grand. They were trying to get six grand so she could get into an apartment. And but the money was hers, right? It was being raised for this woman and her son. And Gloria was like, why did he why does she take this money? And I was like, well, because it's about to be the school here. And she took the two grand to probably pay off as many bills as she could get him school clothes. And because I remember we didn't have underwear. Mom used to steal underwear. He would go into like Kmart. like six pairs of underwear and then his pants and then a hijab. But it was like, I mean, if you haven't ever been that poor. And I don't remember necessarily being that poor either, because I was seven. My, my brother's like the virgin. I had the gold. yeah. You always had food. Coming by our lesson. but. Yeah, I mean, what happened was I processed a lot of the big matter of my dad. You know, when you when you're in your thirties. Yeah. Do it. yeah. It's like you're so mad and you don't know why. And even if your childhood was lovely, they fucked up in some way. You're. You got resentment about something? Yeah. You've replayed it so many times in your head that you're just like, Okay, I got to be able to let this go. Yeah. So through the writing of that solo show and a lot of those jokes, I was able to find things in my father and in my stepmother because my stepmother, she didn't want to do it. Yeah, she did it for him. Yeah. There was never any doubt she didn't want to do it right. So, like, she was nice. Yeah, but she was young too. Sounds like. Maybe as well. For. Yeah, but I think, I think that, I think it helps so much. You know, I'm really surprised when people don't want to see a therapist because just having someone, you know, confirm your thoughts are mean. You know, like I my I'm going to like, do this as a plug. Dr. Joanne Barge was so amazing to me because I was saying, well, you know, I didn't see my dad much. My mom, you know, I feel like I don't have great relationships because my mom always had tons of relationships. She's beautiful. So I said a lot of boyfriend, blah. And then just like a really simple thing that Dr. Bond said, Yeah, your dad was a jerk. And I was like, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's something simple, but yet. Literally to put it in, in, in a term that the technological might enjoy, it's a drones eye view. Yeah, I understand that Jackie. I fucking understand what a God damn drone is. You think I'm too stupid? You think I can understand what a drone Now can. We get it? Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just another perspective that allows you to go. that did look weird. Yeah. Yeah, That wasn't okay. Yeah. Did you think? It's normal because you're raised it right. It's sort of like racism. Sure. Sexism or whatever is we all right? Because I'm in my fishbowl with my halfway decent castle. And all I see is my little world. Sure. And if I want to be inclusive or try to figure out what's somebody else's perspective, I have to get through the water. I get to get out of the shower, your fishbowl, and so whatever. Like, there's a huge reveal. Institutionalized racism is real or what? You know? Yeah, there's like, yeah. Like when they. Well, somebody explain to me the difference between not being a racist and being an anti-racist. Like an active anti-racist. I was like, okay, okay, I can do that. Wait a second now, I don't understand what that is. Well, here's what bugs me. Like, when people say it's literally raining out, you know? You mean it's raining out. So you're saying there's anti there's not being racist and anti. Right. The thing is this. I'm in I'm in my fishbowl. I'm not a racist. Yeah. Like fish comes in Asian fish comes in from goodness their fish fishbowl is being cared for by the the the this analogy is going to fucking fall apart but whatever it is like you're at the fish store. Yeah. So Fishbowl is what? I'm sorry, I've already checked out Jackie. Right, exactly. No, sorry. Analyst So you're saying you go out of your way to be like, Hey, I'm not racist? Yeah, it's empathy. It's being able to walk in somebody else's. Right, right, right. See that? Because I. I have things where I think I like black nerds, white nerds, commoners as grass. The right. Words. Sure, they are black nerds. Not something I knew about a dozen years ago, right? it turns out the mom's been there because they're people. Yeah, sure. Yeah, just pilot. We're all just pile of meat, and we all have different sausage casing. And if I can just meat the meat with the brain on top, and then, you know, like this, clearly, you know, a haircut and a couple of holes, but it's not, you know, that's so because of that, society says, you can't make your own legal decisions. sure, sure. When we're in school. And, I feel like, you know, being a if to identify as a female like I do, really, I would I feel like a more like a rabbit or a dog. But anyway, in a writer's room of all men, it's okay to talk over me. Yeah, Yeah, it's okay. Right? The fact. I mean. But let me stop you there. Laura. I don't know what you just said, but I'm going to repeat it. Two words I. Got. I want. I just want to talk over as a man. But we said about like, it's empathy when people say white guilt and like, I don't believe in white guilt and believe in being empathetic to other people's struggles. Right. I don't personally, I don't I am not enslaving someone right now. But am I right? I'm wearing clothes that were made by toddlers. Right. And but it's not. But I don't sell clothing made by toddlers. Bit of a lateral. All my marches union made sure in an effort to not be a fucking monster and but the thing is is it so it's not it's literally empathy. It's just being able and being able to acknowledge that being born as what the words were. I don't know where Cisgendered came from. That. Right. I was. And. And I do a joke about how when I was a kid, I sometimes wanted I was okay being a little girl, but I also want to be a little boy. Be an adult woman. So all of years, I wanted to be Snoopy, right? Sure. How I wanted to be treated. And that wasn't sexuality. That's not who I want to squish with. I want to be, like, every ten year old. I know. Or almost right now. They then. And it's because right around 9 to 13 is when they get sexualized. Sexualized. And when you're 9 to 13, you'd prefer not to be sure. Right. Could I be just a they them and then hopefully go to school, read this book, or go play this game? Right. So and plus, the other thing is about being a boy or a girl. It always looks better on the other side. Sure. You know, boys got more attention when I was. They got to be whatever they wanted to be. Of course. On the TV and stuff. But girls, you know, if you looked at if you were a boy and you did girls, you're like, No, they can't. They can't. We were so, you know, and it's just like that. And you're like, Why did I want to be a girl? I want to get away with shit I don't want to be because I. But I also want to keep this thing where I get to do whatever I want. And I'm expected to be brave in an adventure. But I also like to get away with a bunch of shit. And girls are like, I would like to keep this where I sometimes get shit, but I also get to also play baseball. I remember even being a kid like I never cared about having dolls. I just wanted stuffed animals. So I had all these stuffed animals and no dolls and I and I think like people gave me dolls and whatever and said, Look, don't you want to fix their hair or whatever? And that's like, why I'm not a hairdresser. Because they also wanted to be a biplane pilot. Right. Snoopy had adventures. Yeah. Gadgets Scooby had. It was cash. And that's a great stoner. Where. Yeah, I. That's a really good point because girls, it's like, here's a doll or here's a ballerina and this is what you should want to be. And if you're a boy, well, it's either, you know, for me growing up, boy, it's like you're going to want to be a fireman or whatever, you know? I mean, things, of course, have changed a bunch since then. But yeah. Most of my time when I was a kid, I would play this just I'd play by myself. I was not socially quiet, but I play a while solo time and I would always take all those stuff from my books. In the movies? And then I would play that. I was like, Tarzan's boy. Tarzan had a son. I was like, What if Tarzan had a dog? Who taught her how to do the same things? Who? Daughter? Boy. And I was like, Ah, yes. Jackie, I have to stop you right there. That's sexually fucked up. Yeah. Right. Tarzan's daughter. Wait a minute. I'm kidding you. Right. And I didn't ever want to be the Princess Leia, even though when I look back at it, Princess Leia is a badass. A little whiny. Yeah, And every guy had a crush on her. I remember my college boyfriend was so, like, in love with Carrie Fisher. It was so crazy. Okay. I want to be Luke Skywalker. Either. And I want to be outdoors. Young friend. Right? And then I want to be Indiana Jones is. Yeah. We're doing all this. And for. That's what I want. But it was like. It's just. There's this thing with sexuality and with. With. Yeah, I look back on, and I'm like, it all. It's all the. The youth today, right? But they're just like, I want to be all the things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all want to be All things. Yeah, That's great. But even superheroes, even, like, you know, Marvel and all of it is still, you know, men are super or whatever, and the girl and the women, it always feels like it's an afterthought, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Like, they're never like, they're never the Han Solo. They're never running the ship to. Do is the unit tax break. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Well, I was we were. I think I was talking to you about this are people I really love that new Captain Marvel movie. The first one when it came out and people were like, it was just, Why did you like it? I was like, Did you like Black Panther? My boyfriend? No. They're like, Yes. And I said, Black Panther was amazing. And it's objectively probably better than the first Captain Marvel. Not even. It's a really, really good book. But. But the Captain Marvel, it was just nice to have representation. And I was. I've talked about this so much in the last. I don't know, 100 years, but because is the. My home club's in Minneapolis. Louis Lee owns Acme Comedy Company. He's Asian. He's a Chinese guy from Hong Kong. Lived here for 100 years. And but he has always booked a variety of. it's. Great the way he's. He just in the nineties, he was like, you know, why do I want everyone's money? Ha, ha. That's a great way to think of it. That's a very honest way to be. Yeah. On the table. Yeah. Yeah. Listen, it's already happening. 18 to 34 year old white guys are coming. They're coming in. They love Bill Hicks. Yeah. So there's still plenty of straight white guys for those guys. Bring in some gay people. White people and some women and some Asians who didn't look a lot of Asian guys, which was sad. I was always like, Why not more Chinese guys I like. Got to find funny ones. Ha ha. Shit. Yeah, I. That's funny. Yeah, but it's true, though. I mean, there's, there's, there's money in all of those. Now that they realize the gay people. There's so much advertising, you can't. But then again, you know, here's what I don't like. I don't like when something's advertised as a ladies night or all women's show and all shit, because I feel like. What about just good comics? Where comics? That's it. It's not. Yeah, Like, Yeah, don't give it like. Like, like we're a handicap in golf. It's just like, all. You know what I mean? Just have a show, that's all. Women and don't say are women to say comics. The other night that I did with Kilmartin and Maria Bamford. No. So after midnight is that is the I don't. Really care about women comics that much. I don't watch them that much. So Maria Bamford and Laura Gilmartin and I were all booked together. Great. That big game show after midnight. Okay. And so we just it what. A great lineup. What a great lineup. Huge fan of. She's a great comic. And she knows we've all been doing comedy. Comedy since the Dawn of Man. So she said, you know, so many people were like, it's so great to have friends, you know, You got friends are so great that it's three really strong women. She's like, How? Just three really funny comics. She said that? Yeah. Okay, Now I'm a fan. Yeah, You no reason not to be? No, no, not at all. I just didn't know. I don't know. I don't know that much about whoever is new. I'm just like in the dark ages. So many too. It's like every four months, I'll be ten new comics, and four of them will be amazing. And I'm like, Why aren't you famous? And they're like, Why are you famous? Yeah, No, that. Ha ha. Yeah. The thing is, is it's like there's so much talent and Los Angeles is obviously a magnet for it. So how did. The show go, though? super fun. Did you? So on the show, do you do, like, a little bit of standup and then you do the game show or game show? But what it is, is it's not even a the it's hashtag wars. And it's like at midnight, it's like the old. I didn't watch that. Well, it was just it's essentially they want you to riff on some hashtag or some viral video. And then but mostly because they have hooked you up with a writer and they give you a bunch of suggestions. You don't have to worry about it. You write whatever you write. If you write extra jokes, that's a win. You can make your own spin on anything that they wrote. And then but in between the. The questions, there's riffing. okay. It's nice when people know each other. that's cool. Yeah. Yeah. I think I made some reference to being Armenian and the Turks. And Lori goes, not the Turks again. Ha! That's great. Made some reference to her dead dad and I was like, not your dad. Dad. Great. Yeah. yeah. So what got you into the comedy. Of Completely fell into it. And I was 19 going to college, and my sister, Darla and sister and. I love the name Darla, but yeah, you don't hear very often. So I went to Madison in Wisconsin. And the good town is cool. Cool down. But one gig an hour after my first year, second year there with a comedy club in the downtown area, the State Street. yeah. It was in the basement of essentially just like a pool hall and coke front. It was called the State Street. And funny. How fantastic. Owned the guy who owns the comedy on the state now owned the building, but the club was owned by a guy named Bill Ken Sons brother. that's too bad. And so the first standup comic I ever saw live and we never saw a standup when I was a kid. Jesus. And I heckled him. What? He didn't go well. Wait a second. Expand, please. This is. This is the. The quiche. And this is the, like, just glossing over. Yeah. And then. Then a bomb, like, took out my car and my car, and then, you know, I had a gig at the bar just glossing over all the shocking parts. So Sam Kinison is. It's 1984. Yeah. And so I'm almost. I think I'm 19. I know. I just turned 90, so this was September. And I go to the in the drinking age in Wisconsin at this time is 18. So my friends want to go see, 16. We get a tiny stage, like normal lo tiny stage. Two jobs all around. I'm sitting right here. I don't even know what two tops means. Just a little circle table or two people. I don't know that. Well, fuck me. I know I did. I got fired from my first restaurant. I was a waitress for 2 seconds and got fired. Okay, okay, but go on. Yeah, Just a little table. Okay. Got it. There were four of us for some reason sitting at a desk. And it was 1984. Kinison had not yet. Sam Kinison had not yet done Letterman. Okay. So it was. Right before it blew up. Okay. Was he screaming. Still? this was the heyday of the. Okay. Got it. He invented the screen. Yeah. And so he has a hard set. Those weird, right? No. No. I'm not a fan. Not a fan. Never a fan. No, no. There's no reason to be. I mean, his guy had. I mean, everyone has a couple of great jokes, and that guy has a couple of great jokes, but he was a mess. He was a disaster of a human being. Yeah. I don't like to be yelled at. From preacher to comic. Yeah. Yeah. There's no yeah, there's no reason. And it was a lateral move. yeah. Yeah. We do it. Yeah. So but he, he was having a heard said that he's from Peoria. I could not have been drunker. Fantastic. I could. I was so drunk. It was insane because. I, I had just started drinking the year before. And had been told by Nancy and that when someone brings you drink at a nightclub, you typically. And so in Wisconsin in 1984, that never happened. So I would get a shot of beer, and then she would bring it. I'd do the shot, and I'd give her a dollar. She'd come right back during the show. And so by the time the headliner Sam Kinison was up, I was beyond shitfaced. And I just. He said something more believable, and the headline wasn't a good one. It was just he was. His time was a little stop and start. Yeah. God, why? But he said that he was from Peoria, and I yelled the thing that people yell in the audience, which was so stupid. I'm sorry. Something like that. Yeah. Yeah, I on crooked. Yeah, exactly. I mean. So then he essentially tried to mop the floor with me, which would have worked if I would have been sober. Yeah. Yeah. But I was too drunk to know that I was beaten. So what did he say? So, no, he was just. He was like, You're an idiot. You're too short. God knows what he said. Yeah. I wouldn't shut up. And so for him, the managers just kept coming over. And then he would talk to his mom. And then the minute you recover, you've got to show. And finally a manager came and said, I'm going to kick you out. Open mic is on Sundays. I came back in three weeks, and I did open Mike, and it literally, I assume, is what it feels like to do heroin because I got a 1.8 that semester. Fantastic. Every night. So you must have made Sam Kinison laugh or you made the whatever your, you know, rapport was your back and forth. The audience must have been laughing, right? He was there that night. He liked my acting better. That's fucking amazing. News. Good Seed. Or he was just riffing and wanted to shut me out. And so you must have made you. You probably threw Sam Kinison off. And he was laughing, Right? Right. Or something. Yeah. Happened just because I wasn't kicked out. That's so funny. So. And, you know, it's. What do you. What was one of your things? Do you remember one of the things you said back and forth? It was up here. I think that was the. That was it. That's all you remember. And then three weeks. If you could push the. The mozzarella sticks to you while you had one. they did it for. Did. That's right. I forgot the Sam. Can I just remember now that Sam Kennison wore a beret? Yeah, he did. Yeah, he did. You were beret because he was thinning hair and he cared. I always I you know, I used to do this joke. I mean, like, you remember the first jokes you ever did? God. Yeah, They're terrible. Yeah. You're not good. Yeah, but, you know. But even my first jokes, kind of my heart was in the right place. Sure. A boldness. I never cared about boldness. I think it's God's way of saying you got to get that. You're always good looking at. The. Entire joke. That means punchline anyway. But. But it wasn't. You know, it was harmless. Yeah, sure. And. And I think my first dick joke was that I wanted men to be at home barefoot and erect. I started with my parents, had this good kneepads and a Frisbee. But I had. I had a I mean, it wasn't even that long. I can't even, like, say that that that I was that good in the beginning. But I had a joke about a bald guy at my breast and I was like, this is what it must feel like to breastfeed for way too long. I don't mind that. Yeah, yeah. That wasn't that. That wasn't that long ago, which is said I still bring that up sometimes. But anyway, Jackie, you're hilarious. We have to have you back again. And what we need to know. Right? Should we? I need to know what's coming up where people can find out where to go and see you live and all that stuff. Okay. Please come and see me live. I'm trying to do this thing. Refill rooms. sure. Yeah. I just wanted to stand up. But it turns out if you were to go my Instagram, you would see me grind it out. Sure. Opportunity, ladies and gentlemen, to see a lot of clips. You want to see what kind of stand up comedy? I do. Please go to my Instagram. If you go to Jackie Kitchen Dotcom, you can see tour dates and all that stuff. Fantastic. Not the first week of May. I'm going to be in Seattle. Awesome. Madison, I'm going to be in Pittsburgh. I'm going to be in Vermont. I'm going to be all over the country. But if you go to Jack Yankee dot com, which is also, by the way, I bought Family Pet Ancestry.com. You'll like this because you enjoy pet. of course. Part of ancestry.com I bought because it's funny. I brought we bought animal farts. Animal parts because it's funny. Yeah. I don't know. We were hoping somebody would buy it. We just have it. you should totally. I'll just point to Kightlinger. But you know. But then again, it's like. Then I didn't realize that you have to get, like, a release form from all the animals who are farting. Yeah, man, I know. I'm sorry, but. Shit. Yeah. Yeah, but family pet ancestry dot com was because I thought, how great would it be if someone was like, I wonder if my cat came over on the Mayflower? it's brilliant. It's fucking brilliant. Or is my dog eligible to join the dogs of the American Revolution? Ancestry.com? That's so smart. Yeah. And so it just points to Jack location background. So you've got a family that Ancestry.com right now. You'll see where I'm playing. You can watch. I have a couple of new. New, like, short shorty. Short short specials. fantastic. Minute special called Looking Back, where I tell car jokes into the ass camera of a monster. Fantastic. Just I hired someone to put their foot on the brake so it's not a snuff film. Yeah, but I tell jokes in the in the reverse. And then somebody filmed that. Yeah, you would. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then. Yeah, I want to take that out. Yeah. And then the other one I just was those don't tell comedy shorts. There's just a 1011 minute set of me just telling a bunch of very old jokes that were never on TV. They're on my albums. Like, I have five albums. Fantastic. But they. And then a couple of brand new jokes that if you were to come and see me, by God, you might hear them. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you for. Thank you. No, no, no. You're so goddamn interesting and funny and smart. And like, I, like I. I love talking to comics about, you know, why are we doing this shit? Everybody else ties in. Nobody should read, plug and play. That's why I love the dark horse and not pulling teeth. Exactly. Thank you so much. Thank you. Jack.