"Grandson of a Gun" with Chris Fairbanks

"Grandson of a Gun" with Chris Fairbanks

Laura is joined by Comedian, Actor, Illustrator and Co-Host of "Do You Need a Ride", Chris Fairbanks. We discuss Chris' upbringing in Missoula, Montana, being the son of a Disc Jockey, Clint Eastwood not paying attention to detail, cat with AIDS running wild on a crowded plane, selling Cutco Knives, Grandma keeps stepping on rakes, Jim Jones seemed like a pretty good guy if you can get past the massacre and much more on this week's, What We Thought Would Happen.

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Laura Kightlinger
Twitter: @KingKightlinger
Insta: @laurakightlingerlives
Web: laurakightlinger.com

MUSIC:
Jimmy Harry
Twitter: @bonsaimammal
Insta: @thejimmyharry
Web: jimmy harry.com

Transcript

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I. my guest today is a lizard wrangler. A K-pop star. And that's just two of his many credits. He's so multi faceted. He's a gifted stand up illustrator. Co-host of Do You Need a Ride? He barks. No, I didn't even do a lot of sound effects. Yeah, he can do any is a he's a very popular, voiceover artist as well. Chris Fairbanks is here. They wanted to kick me out of the K-pop group because apparently everything I do, makeup wise, it's been offensive makeup wise. What do you mean? I thought it was because I was getting older. No. But makeup I put on, like my side also, look, Korean is apparently backfired. Oh, so you. Doing. That anyway, used to be called cat eyes. Yeah, exactly. That's what I've got on today. I'm, I'm like the male Eartha Kitt. I always said. And only a lizard wrangler. VoiceOver artist. Now. Well, I don't blame you. Chapter is. Cool. Okay, well, good to know. Chris, did you ever, when you were growing up in Montana in the coal mines of Montana, in Missoula, which did, you know, is 87% white? Oh, I would guess more. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Is that why you left? I was that way. State. It's why I leave when I go back to visit. Yeah. I can handle a couple of weeks. Yeah. But then gets a little, Caucasian. Now I love it. I love it there but I mean Missoula is surrounded by reservations. Oh okay. I always I wonder if it's Missoula County, Even then, it's probably that. did you think when you were a kid that you'd want to do stand up or be an actor? What, what kind of led you down this path? I didn't know that you could do that. I went to, like, I. I went to school, always assuming I would draw and paint. For like and I did I did work in teacher jobs and painted signs and windows and your. Stuff is amazing by the way I love your illustrations. On it. And like the same frustrations like, how do I get paid what I'm worth, personality is. And then I demand it. Right. And it it's I need to go to under and there's anonymous, which is the real thing. Under earners anonymous. Yeah. They teach you how to be assertive and, go in one demanding things. Oh, I love it. Now, which is why I start wearing glasses. Still, I'm very good about. But I love under earners anonymous. And what happens when you don't show up? Right. They charge you. Jesus. More like, My dad was a radio guy. Oh. Did bits. I played music, but also is real from, like, the 60s and early 70s. Amazing. He was great at it. And that was in Montana. It was in Monterrey, where I was born. Oh, my dad went to art school in California, and my mom loved it in California. And we always were driving down from Montana. And I just assumed at some point I'll live in like San Diego. Before I knew it was just all surf Republicans that do me no offense all of San Diego. Oh San Diego can kiss my ass. Yeah. Pucker up buttercups. Yeah, I like that name. Snowflake because I that San Diego is where I, I like to say like I did a set and I was just going on and this woman, a woman heckles me. We're not all Republican, you know, she said we're not all Democrats. That's that's a that's her, was her, heckle. We're not all Democrats. And I was like, okay, what do I do now? Just switch and be an asshole. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. What, why are you a comic? I, I always wonder that with, super conservative people. What if they really, truly enjoy movies and comedy and where everyone in and out is, liberal, right? For the most part, yeah. Except for, like, Apollo, right? Oh, probably. Some are Republicans. Yeah. I wasn't a slight against him. He's just fiscally conservative. I think Republicans are a lot like Germans in that they're not very funny. Right. Yeah. So why would you go see comedy? I don't know, to heckle. Yeah, I guess I guess to get some aggression out. Yeah. Wait till this, Buttercup. Here's this one. Yeah. Buttercup. Off the ground. Anyway, my dad, what's a radio guy? So I knew that he sold jokes to some guys. I've never. But one of them would stand me short, so, like, wow. Which I didn't learn about until his roommate. Till I started doing comedy. Did your dad had your dad passed away by then? No, he's he's still a great. He's doing great. Yeah. Yeah. Mom passed away. That's probably what you were thinking of. But. No, I was actually doing great, too, though, even though she's dead. I. You know, when people when people say, they're in a better place, I'd say they have to be no matter where. Even if it's just dirt. Yeah. Because this planet is burning. Yeah. God damn it. Yeah. She is. Yeah. Even if it's under the dirt. No burning down there. Yeah, yeah, but Chris, when you were saying that, you didn't find out about all this. So your dad just didn't tell you that he was a radio, the news on the radio, or just. Had stories about the radio business, but didn't get that into it. I thought he just play music. like. No, our sketches were falling, but his shoes in the gravel. Oh, you know, like for that play Misty for me movie. Clint Eastwood came in and watched him do radio because he was amazing. then my dad was frustrated because he ignored everything he said, like, oh, he's putting a 15 minute reel on to go check to see if his girlfriend's getting murdered by the stalker. It's too small, and he has it backwards. I don't know, it's kind of funny. so Clint Eastwood shadowed your dad because he. He had it. He had a radio show in place. Yeah. Wow, wow, wow. Yeah. He played a DJ and play Misty for me, that's amazing. Yeah, it is cool. I don't, bring that up a lot. It's pretty cool. But it was. I did have a support right away when I decided I was going to go and do comedy. He was like, oh yeah, okay. And he's he's funny too. He must be. Super. Funny. and so your father's radio show must have been really popular, I think. Yeah. As far as, like, a local he'd cover, you know, tennis and the, then delightful Bill Cosby. And he was like, I kind of knew them. It's funny, but they were at some tennis thing in Monterrey and my dad, asked Bill Cosby, hey, how about a picture? And I was with them. I was like tiny. Wow. And, he just gave the camera to Bill Cosby and pose with me. It's a picture taken, but thank you. That's really funny. That's really funny. That was taken by Bill Cosby, and he just laughed and took it. And that's, you know, he did stuff like that. That's really funny. What was the show called? Oh, I think it was the station was called kid FM, which I don't think is around anymore. Because I had a book or that let them run away and he's like I don't know what that is. Oh okay. But the guy, his partner stayed in radio and was kind of a known name. Yeah. Dave Bennett I think was his name. Damn. Yeah. What's it all these stories about the radio business. It was just like five years of this. Like, it's like, well, I got these kids. We should go back to Montana. Oh, no. Be around their grandparents for two sets of very grumpy, scary people. Oh, hell. No offense, you know, I don't think I would have, grown up with the same brain, though. Bye. We're in California. Yeah, yeah. A painter of light. Right. That's true. Yeah. There's, like, just bad art galleries there. Yeah, I know you'd be in every dentist office across the country. What? Wait, so, Chris, I still have to go back to the. So your dad thought that Clint Eastwood wasn't paying attention? Yeah. During he, like, ignored. He watched the movie hoping he looked like mechanically that he had been around. Oh I. See. My dad was the only person that. No, that's. Maybe he wasn't a professional DJ, Which wasn't really the thrust of the movie anyway. Yeah. That's true. Oh. So. Okay. But at the time, your dad thought that Clint was really picking up on everything. Yeah, yeah. And saying, okay. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. They went to watch the movie. It's like, that's the wrong button yelling in a theater. Oh that's fantastic. Him I love that. And and I think they're pals. But then he didn't like. And after that he did that empty chair thing. Yeah. I think that when you're really wealthy and famous, you can't get really solid criticism. You can't have anybody say, let's go through this first. Yeah. You just got to do it on live TV. Yeah, yeah. And I don't know at what level shadowed him or even if it's true. My dad's a notorious. I believe, at 100%. Yeah, it's kind of cool. But I, I was trying on some ladies that the woman that lived there, I was, like, trying on her clothes, and we. I think I broke a lamp, and she's like, get out of here, you drunk idiots! Then. And she put an ad in the personals in the paper, like saying, hey, my mom found it. It's like I kicked you out of my party. You had leopard hair. I dyed leopard spots in my hair. Wow. She's like, do you want to start doing improv comedy? Which I didn't even know what, but there's a phone number. I called her and she's like. Like, whose line is it anyway? And it's like, oh, I love that. Yeah, I could do that. Yeah. So that's kind of how it started. Wow. AD that said, I kicked you out of my party. That's amazing. Now, I never would have thought that would happen. I thought I thought that it would be like, hey, bring back my stuff. You owe me money for the lamp, right? But instead, well, that's a cool woman to do that. That's a nice. List. So, yeah, Evangelion kind of started my comedy career. Yeah. Either. That was really sweet of you. Yeah. Yeah. And she went on, she was for decade, Very impressive person living in the cargo. It's kind of a volatile, volatile place. She. I would think so. Yeah. Like, I'm sure it's like a freeze tag, but each, Oh, no, I don't. Yeah, I it seems. As a bow tie wears a white matching shirt. Yes. And, Okay. A lot of clapping. But that's how it started. Chris. So what is a perfect day for Chris Fairburn? I've been thinking about that a lot, because I watched a movie that was kind of like Groundhog Day, a movie that's out now called On the Globe and every day was the same. But she could decide to do other things. I'm like, wait, that's not, that's kind of what I do. I wake up in the same place, I skateboard early in the morning half the week. And then I'm gonna sound really lazy. I've been really a man of leisure lately. I'm embarrassed by how much I call. What's wrong with that. It's just in history. You know, golf means a certain type of person. Retired. Yeah. Or you know, wealthy. Yeah. Or or. Yeah. Or, you know. Gets beaten by your wife with a golf club. Exactly. You said it I didn't. It was coming. It was coming. But I've been still doing stand up. I think you do a lot. You improv and still doing some. Yeah. And you do you do the. Do you need a ride and you do stand up. That's a lot. It is enough. But something that happened during this quarantine thing where nothing was expected of any of us. Yeah. And there's, like, soprano, like gray wings and like, I slicking it back, and I'm like, they really are standing out. Oh, and it all went. All my gray hair went away. I was like to be have nothing expected of me with. I was driving during that Covid thing. Wow. God. So happy. I know it is nice. Or art and tinkering and, but I can't. Became a real shut in, and I kind of haven't shaken that now. Especially now that I'm not drinking. And I'm like, well, I better just stand. Oh, why did you stop drinking? Oh, we all should, I suppose. Really? Yeah. That thing that we do, then, once it makes you have fun. I know I, I'm on the fence with the whole thing, All right, well, first of all, this is how environmentally climate friendly I am. I'm still drunk from the night before. Oh, I love drinking. And I was drunk most days. No one really knew. Because I'm one of those people that can have a handle of whiskey and no one knows right now. I'm drunk. Yeah, that pulled me over. I've never been in trouble. Are you kidding? But I was di. I couldn't swallow food. It would get stuck in my chest. Wow. So I'd have to either leave a restaurant and jump up and down off a curb, or, diarrhea for 20 years. Depression. I was quick to anger, and it kind of all went away when I tried this diet with my girlfriends, you know, we were like, That's Whole30. Diet requires you not to drink for a month. and the the food is all healthy, you know, you see, like, of course I'm going to feel better, but I felt like a different person. And I noticed my I wasn't sore all my arthritis because I gotta figure it all went away. She's like, I can't, I'm gonna give it, like, a few more weeks. Not drink and just turned into coming up on a couple years now. So And you would be able to do this without going to AA. Yeah. Because it wasn't any like I have a problem that's I was already kind of weaning off. Because that's what I did during quarantine. No I ask because this is as boring as someone who's in AA. This I'd, I'm about to get, read some numbers. One day at a time show. I mean that serenity to not be so boring. And, you're. You're not at all. Illustration of a guy pouring out. It's beer. Yeah. Maybe. I've always said so. It doesn't sound like I'm preaching. I will drink again one day. Thank you. Yeah, it start with wine and. God, I'll be fine. I always wanted to do that with Henry Yeah. Biographies where there's, like. Yeah, I was a downward spiral after that first album, he really started drinking. But all that archival footage is like just having fun with a lampshade. So we were like, yeah, this is all great stuff. Yeah, yeah. That's when he really started sleeping with beautiful women. Every night I really got bad. And then came all the money. Yeah. Partying and fancy cards. It's like, wait, wait, what? But, yeah, I, I, I haven't seen a change. I thought it was like, oh, my career will go through the roof because I'll be so cognitively at home or we. You know, the people that, you know, we would never assume, you know, you know, celebrities that were always on something like, Peter Laurie was on morphine constantly. During house or during the comedy. There's always. Did I say Peter Laurie? I said Hugh Laurie, but I didn't say it out loud. Peter. Laurie. Yeah. Seasoning salt guy. Right. No. He is. Yeah. He was in em. He was, a very, very famous character actor. He was a, probably in a lot of horror films. Not horror films, but just an amazing actor. And he apparently scheduled his, his, his movie day, you know, his shooting days around getting morphine shots and everything. And so he was like an old school. Yeah. Yeah. In fact, I was reading this thing about he was friends with Vincent Price, and They were at Bill Lugosi's funeral. And then Peter Laurie says to Vincent Price, should we stake them? Just to be sure. And and then something they were laughing and then people were looking around like, how could you laugh at a funeral? But I know. That all that. Oh my God, it there's nowhere, I have laughed more on that at funerals. That's not how you deal with death. Yeah, true. I just remember when my grandparents died, I. My both uncles rolling because I was doing that inner dialog about there's taxidermy. We were on this in this reservation town. They had like all this taxidermy in a bar and I just I couldn't stop joking. My sister and I killed at my mom's funeral. Oh yeah. Right. Wedding. So sad. Not happy for you. Yeah. Forever. Oh I would. Oh good. You gotta get going. Well now that's someone else's. Time to take a drink. Oh. The I went to a wedding with, Jeremy Kramer and he. And it was really a beautiful wedding, and he teared up, and we decided it was because he was invited. He never gets invited a thing. So he was like. He was really touched. Jeremy Kramer did the marijuana loves with. I haven't heard or heard of him for a while. I think the thing with Arch Barker and Doug and the Weed man. I think he was sick for a while. I mean, yeah, he's he's better now. Yeah, he had cancer and now he's he's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause he's brilliant. Yeah. They're great. Yeah. Yeah. Does. He's hilarious. Oh I know, I know. Get through it. Good. I'm glad. Yeah, I, I, I love laughing at, funerals, but, you know, it's also at a gas company. I don't know what happens. I know, a little nervous. Oh, yeah. Oh, by the way, I, I've said this before on the podcast, but, I had a brain aneurysm, and I died for a few seconds, and there's nothing. I just I just might as well repeat it. Right, right. Maybe after I die for a little longer. Well, you know, my, a friend of mine who's very religious said that there's nothing for me and I believe that that's true. Well, at least you got that sneak peek. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Wow. That's scary. I didn't know you. I know you were having health, problems, but that it's awful. Well. You're back. I know. I think so, too. You feel. Good? You bet. Wait a second, Chris. What's your worst? Tell me your worst stand up gig. Which sometimes I think is even the best when it's so awful, you can't believe it. Could be asthma. Okay, I'm. I have a coffee. My worst stand up gig. I did a private gig in Houston at the Addison Improv where they. I didn't know I got hired to work there as outside and it was like a Christmas party. Mortgage loan company Foof. And they asked me to do an impression of their boss and they gave me like his jacket and just said oh just start firing everyone and wear this jacket. And he has a Texas accent that like so I just put on the coat and I got really nervous, like, I don't know what I'm doing. I agreed to do this. I reached in a pocket and was under a women's underwear in. Fantastic. So I jokingly said, oh it's my secretary's. It was in real life his secretary who. And so and the wife was there and she knew it and she laughed like, you son of a bitch. And it was like Christmas private party. Amazing. And I was the I got blamed for their for everything. But then, I never was back at that comedy club. That's fantastic. That terribly. But that's not the worst gig, though. Then. And that's how you started it. I mean, I. Got punched after a show. And what? Tulsa. Yeah. A guy, actually, an old man. It was a slow motion. I let it happen, but he was so upset. About what I don't know. War for oil sign on. It was my girlfriend's car at the time, I didn't know notice. I wonder why everyone was flipping me off as I entered Oklahoma. And, this guy after the show, he was even, like, saying, oh, that was fun. You were weird. I like your style. Like, he liked my comedy. He saw that sign and we started arguing about the troops. It was a very early 2000 argument. And then I said something like, I don't I can't remember what I said. You don't agree with people being killed for oil? Right, right. Yeah. Something like that. Sir. And yeah, he's kind of slow motion. It was more of like a push. He was. So wait, that is his face. He had my face and then he pushed me off balance. But it was it affected me. I was like, oh, man. Now you can't come unless that happens. Right, exactly. It's the I've not just that much sense, so I have to be in a parking lot. Ask me in Oklahoma. I have to walk. I have to. Start. I have to walk into a punch myself to get to get going, you know? Oh, man. Probably, my ex-girlfriend's car. There's too many. Otherwise I'm like. I'm empty. Winds up down there. It's nothing going on. So that old man rears its ugly fast. It's the slow. It's gotta be the slow punch. Yeah. I need support on, you know, over here. An old timer. Your job where you, If the guy wanted rough sex and you went. Yeah. I like butchering people. Oh. Thank you. And I like abbreviating it up. And you went you over extended and ended up accidentally hitting the guy behind him. That's a good thing. Oh thank you, darling. Yeah. That's. So get it? The guy, that's that's the that I had a guy, but it was like a threesome situation. Well, all right, let me just say it the way it's supposed to be said. Would you please. Okay. I was sleeping with this guy. He was on top of me. He asked me to hit him, which. So, naturally, I'm at a disadvantage. And I've got really long arms, but I tried, and I might, I swing, and I missed his face completely and hit the guy behind him. I swear, that's how I told it. Wait, you told it better? I it was a lot funnier when you said it now, because now I can't remember what. Brings it all the way home, Missed his face completely. Okay. Because people are going to think I. When I first saw you do. I thought your, forearm is going to hit his head or something. So let me break down. I like to dissect jokes after they happen, just to cool the. Room and caress. I love you for even remembering it. And thank you. Yeah. It's great. Are you on the road a lot? I mean, I know you say you like to stay home, but we're we're you've got stuff coming up too, but. Yeah, but some stuff today. Where are you going? Milwaukee. Boise. Seattle. Jeez, that's a lot. And I'm going to Seattle soon to do a corporate thing. Wow, I money people. Fantastic to do too many things. I've done this before where they're like, hey, in addition to doing stand up, can you also host the raffle and we're doing, like, a video game, like, I did this good, this environmental, this thing, these, these folks that get on because I love what they do. They get on boats and pull tons of plastic out of the ocean. And I would do that too. Yeah. trying to get laid, and I'm doing this mock game show. Who wants to be a trash collector? There's buttons. And I had to, like, keep tally of all the scores. And, I was so stressed out. I'm like, stand up. That's amazing. Well, we're again, I agreed to, host this panel of a serious discussion, and I don't even know anything about it. I. Is it the same place? It might as well be about crypto. No. It's complete. That was a decade ago. Oh, okay. Oh. But I just want to do the stand up part. Yeah. Yes. To like well I'm going to be there anyway. Might as well make a fool of myself and then do stand up. Well I think too I mean with that like the obvious thing is when if it bombed, you just say, well, was that me or was it the artificial intelligence. Chimp. Blah blah blah. I don't know, I don't know with the robot. I swear, I really am Chris. Maybe. Or. Two weeks. Oh no, I don't do that. Yeah, I I've thought about that. Like making my face shiny like this. Oh yeah. Yeah. Doing the whole like run. Got to get the old man again. Tonight's main event comedy. I like do I want to do that for a whole hour. No no I might do that. I know So what is the dumbest thing you've ever invested in? I'm so bad, I haven't even even the money I have in savings. I know with a phone call I can go online movement and have that pay me a hundred extra dollars a month. Now I just have it sitting there in a traditional 80 scale savings account. I'm never invested anything. I didn't even know you could do that. What do you mean you could make a call and get. You mean selling mushrooms or. No. Yeah. Yeah. Like, like a different type of bank account where you actually have interest. I didn't even know there was such a thing anymore. There is. I'm really terrible with money, too. Like, that's why I'm horrified by the crypto. Someone told me I should make these, what is an NFT? Non-Fungible token? Tiny painting. I still don't know what it is. Okay. Are we literally talking about a fingernail sized painting? Wow. I have no idea. I there was a guy at the, I did a show in San Francisco. This guy was there for NFT conference, and he's like, make millions. So I'm making little pieces of art that you sell. I still don't know what it is. If someone starts describing that or, talks about AI in a usable way or cryptocurrency, I their their audio drowns out in a high pitched ring, I guess, overtax my ears and I just stare at trying to act human like when it stopped. Yeah, really? Well, There was people in Austin that where I had invested in Dell when it was a public company. Oh, yeah. And now they they didn't work for Dell, but they got a Lamborghini and they live out of the domain. Right? There's people that are willing to take that risk, whereas I won't even play roulette. Yeah. Oh you won't. I do not gamble either. I think that's the thing. Crypto is a variation of gambling and I'm not willing to even put 20 on black or red. Yeah. No, no color thing. Yeah. I just have never I'm not lucky or I don't think. So. In a USB cord correctly. So African Americans, Native Americans. On red, red and black but. Red. Think of a chess table. Okay. Out of it. Okay. or checkers. Okay. It's more of a checkers. That's why I don't know. Crypto. Sure. I've never been a chess person. I'm more of a checkers guy. But I'm so embarrassed, I have to admit something the, the, the, denomination or the, the worth of a card for a while, it's numbers. But once it gets into queens and kings and jacks, I'm really not sure. They're all ten. Mattress size. I really don't know. I get a queen bigger than a no. They're never unless they are in poker. But in blackjack they're all ten. That's how little I know. Except ace never even played a single game of cards. Really? Even in a cabin where everyone else is doing it, I. I'll go play with the puzzle. Missing five pieces before I, I have never I've never held a deck. I remember shuffled. But is this your card? Son of a bitch. That was a long con. Good God, Chris Fairbanks, you son of a, That was. Exactly. In your coffee. I don't know, I don't play. I don't either, I I'm curious, though. I want to learn. Yeah, but, do you smoke pot? Still trying to get into it? Cause I gotta do something to make up for not drinking. Yeah, there are certain edibles I've taken. I'm like, oh, I want to be have conversations and hang out at, like, social strains of weed. Yeah. Figure out which ones they partying again. And I'll still do routing powder and coke you know. Right. Weirdo. Yeah. Like that. Yeah I think I stopped doing, I stopped doing coke while I was in the a spot to do it all the time because I was in Boston and doing standup. You know, in the 90s. And everybody did coke backstage and then and drank Reid Leary. Oh, no, I think, you know. Oh, that's so funny. It was actually my, comedy teacher, but I think I'm Denis Leary. Oh, cool. Yeah, yeah, but I think I'm funny anyway. when the, there's Coke, there is always like, a Coke, and, you know, you know, like a huge cooler of beer and everything in Boston. And this was a, this was at the at stitchers, and which doesn't exist anymore. So I think that's okay. And and it was fine with everybody. And I just thought, man, everybody. Well was Kenny Rogers in and Dan, Gavin, all of these guys. And I was so afraid. I mean, they would do all this stuff and then go right on stage, and they're hilarious. And I was so afraid to do any of it because I thought, you know, I'm so nervous as it is. Yeah. My biggest fear is, what if it does make me funnier? Yeah. Then you got to do it all the time. Yeah, I did a show on ketamine, but the audience was also on ketamine, and I was like, I better not do that again because I just killed. Where were. You? Oh, that EDM music fest. Damn. But the curious thing about that, it seems like you're doing the cocaine, which, again, I don't know. Oh, but I was happy for, like, three weeks. Shit. I'm like, that's weird. I've been in a good mood, and then later I find out it's like a form of therapy, people. Yeah. Ketamine. And, That's not this waiver form. Microdosing. Okay. So that the hell out of it. But it still worked. It is so. But that's not the same as, like, when people say they get in a keyhole and can't move. Oh, that is that's ketamine. And I was with some experience ketamine people. And when they saw me going down the hall, which was just me kind of looking at my hand, they'd shake me and, hey, avoid the keyhole. And I'm like, it's a thing, okay? And then snap out of it. That was my nickname in high school. Well, now, do you see? I'm afraid I would be afraid because my friend's. Name on your street again. Oh, we can't do that. I was like, saying that was my nickname in high school. Oh. I don't know, but, Chris, there, your street is called. It sounds like someone that had sex with a lot of elderly people. So that's just for you. It's like the the old splitter avenue or something. Yeah. Yeah, whatever. Sounds like a good track. It takes, The grand. Oh, man. But anyway, can't. I mean, maybe I am in all. You are. You're welcome to the call. Yeah, I just happened to be hosting it. Now, listen, I'm. I've been afraid of that because a friend of mine, Chris, said he was at a club dancing and wound up under the steps. And this is in New York on ketamine because it's a horse tranquilizer. Right, right. But with people, it doesn't make you tranquil. Oh, it doesn't. It just makes you happy. Yeah. Yeah. There. I remember I had to fly with this cat. I was taking the cat, this day, and they did a blood test to make sure that the cat was the right type of blood to sedate. Oh. And I'm like, what does that even mean? Well, it can be bad for some cats. And then they called and said, oh, you can fly with your cat. He's he's healthy, he has Aids. But you and I, it's like what? Yeah. That feline Aids don't. Five Aids. Does is like a big deal. Yeah. But anyway, I sedated the cat, and he went nuts. He ripped out of the. Oh, no. Strings while we're flying. He ripped. I looked down his face. Oh, yes. And he started walking up and down the hallway. No swing at me. Well, the cat Whisperer meowed like. Oh no. But to new people, they were like, this cat's crazy. And everyone's like, that kind of Aids. The word had gotten out. I mentioned that. No, sir, it's just it's Aids. Cat lives on a plane. And what's losing his mind? But that was because of that said, it is so. Wow. Cats went. It made my cat go crazy. I'd like to know how the word got out that he had Aids. I told you, son of a bitch. I was like, as we got on him, like, all of our aids can't come through. We. That's. Marguerite is supposed to paint her ass and Catalina. Anyway, whole plane knew about the Aids cat. Airplane! Oh. That was an hour. An hour, man. Whatever was that? The movie aids cat on the plane. I dropped it off my dad's, and it died with him. No, no. What a dick. Hey, dad, I got you a new cat and just. You're kidding. Yeah. So then it was. Maybe it overdosed or it was too much of a strong dose of the. You figure. It out. Oh, it was more like months. Okay. But it's not to bring his. His cat had passed away. It was an all black kitty. I'm like, I have an all black kitty, and I can't live with it where I'm at. Bring this cat to my dad. And then I immediately was sick and just. And he had to give an injection. Oh, no. Hope you're enjoying the cat. I should apologize for that. Damn. Yeah. I'm fine. Yeah, I know that you're fun. Yeah, yeah. You're great. Cat bits. Woof! Jeez. You started on death. Animals. Do you have cats now? Cats or dogs? No, no, I don't want to set myself up for the loss. I hear. But I do want. Adopt a cat, adapt to it. You're going to kill him anyway. I've been window shopping. I follow several foster people in foster cats, okay? And I just haven't found any that aren't, you know, googly eyed, goes. You perfect cat, symmetrical face Which is a breed. Here we go again. Here we. Fucking go. Again. Because. Have you seen them? They're they're beautiful. I love. Them. Act like, it's, wild animal. They're so cool. Big paws. I love, I love cats. I do, and dogs. Yeah, I do too. I'm glad the dogs now. Oh, no, that's right. You were saying you were about to get a dog or. Wait, did you, just to have a dog. Yeah. Yeah. And that dog is really I'm I'm like, oh, I get it. I used to like love with conditions and but the unconditional kind. Oh sure. Like I love you, I love you, they love everyone. Yeah. Me I'm like, you're desperate. Really? Cats are like I like, kind of like how they're what really kind of mirrors how I've been with a lot of relationships. Like, it's someone I know. They're going to leave. I get more attracted to them. And I think with cats, it's like they always do that with their, like, wow, I, I fuck off all week and it's like, man, I love cats, but dogs are like, you could trust me. I'll always be here. I'm like, do you fucking see? You have issues with commitment, Is that it? Or maybe it's because I keep fucking dogs and cats. Oh, jeez. I think as a kid, I did a lot of door to door sales knives, coupon books, and for a while, I got big bucks to make fucking dogs. And my mom was always like, oh, any dog is just going to rip your face off. Oh, get ready because they'll turn on a dime. And that was all that story is. I paid attention to people. Yeah I'm trying to imagine you in Montana selling Amway door to door. How old were you? I didn't do it. That long. Okay. Thing I did do for a while. What type. In cutco. What? Yeah, I had the whole spiel. Thermo resin handle, nickel rivets, ergonomic design. But edge, which you can send back to Olean, New York for you charge. So I'll sharpen it or give you a new knife. Now, what can I do? Let's get your best knife out of the kitchen. This was a big one. Yeah. And then they pull out like a wooden handled knife and I'm like, well, that's. The problem is, wooden handles are outlawed in 38 states for restaurant use because of salmonella. You got to get new knives. I make sure. Amazing. Maybe threaten the livelihood of these brass rivets. Look at this. The knife could. One time I just started tapping my hand and bleeding during a sale, and they had to kick me out of the house because I wanted to show them how sharp Cutco was. Jeez, look how sharp it is. Nice to be. Like, I thought that would work. Fantastic. I would, I didn't thrive. I love that. Did you go to your next sale with a bloody hand? I, I did like one sale a week. It's one of those like Amway. They're like, okay, give us a list of ten people you know, and you have to go to your parents, friends and family. And then. Try and sell because I'm a kid. Was it like candy bars? Your your parents just bought ten knives. Right? And yet my. No, they did, but so if I had any sales because they felt bad for me. Yeah, yeah. And I knew to wear an ill fitting suit, like kind of how I sold them. Yeah. Even today. Yeah. Yeah. Even these days. Friend shoes. I guess he was pretty good at stand up, but yeah, pretty soon when you keep getting referrals and then ask those people who do you think, can you give me a list of people that. Oh, so. Yeah, they write off their family members and friends just to get you out of the house. Yeah. When you're at the mall and your own grandparents are hiding from you selling them knives and like, this is not great. Can you imagine selling knives today? Oh, God. No. Or anything? Yeah. Or maybe even. And it seems like we could sell guns door to door. Since we love them, we're never going to get rid of them. Why not? Yeah, I think I could be a good gun salesman. It's like list all the. Just locked us up and have it. That'll make you feel better. But don't ever touch it. Yeah. Become a problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah, a kid's like these. But don't let. Well, here, let me show your kid how to use it. Again. Just so he doesn't do it again or she. Yeah, yeah. The guns are problem. All right, I have one. I just wanted it out of my dad's house, so now I have it really pissed off. I'm really. Well, you know, I have my help, but my mom has guns all over her house because she married a sheriff. And then when he passed away, there's a gun in every room. So I'm afraid. I'm afraid to be. My thing is, I'm afraid to be in a room with a gun because I don't know if I could resist the urge to clean it. Right? Yeah. I mean, things are sad. I never would I. Yeah, that's that's what's been good about this gun. I've discovered, like, I can keep it right under my bed. And I even thought once about it. Yeah, that's good. But maybe I don't get that sad. Yeah. Isn't it still been pulled it out of the box. It's never been used. Chris, do you remember, though, when you were growing up and you heard that somebody you believed that somebody had accidentally killed themselves by cleaning a gun? Oh, they were cleaning the gun. You don't think they know they were? It was. They were just cleaning it and it went up. Really? Every one of those stories is false. Yeah, yeah. No one's ever claimed that. Because they would really have to position it in a certain way and have the trigger. You'd have to be cleaning the trigger and pointing it at yourself, right? No one. Yeah. Yeah. There's not that didn't need any mind work. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. One time my grandma there's a couple times she had a broken nose and I was like, how do you break your nose in the first time she was like, oh I stepped on a rake and it hit me in the face. And then later in life she used the same excuse and like my grandma stepped on two rails and then broken nose. And then I realized later in life I'm like wait a minute my where grandpa or uncle where they were punching my grandma. Just hit me. One day she was stepping on rakes. We got to ask more questions. Exactly. I was just cleaning your grandmother. You put on an old man's deck. It's like a trigger for their fist. No. Like anything I've said on here. I was cleaning her grandpa. They just went. Off on me. Therapy. Tears of joy. Damn you. Chris Fairbanks, you funny, funny, funny son of a gun of a gun. Grandson of a gun. You grandson of a gun. Good lord. Hey, Chris. You I remember a while back I was asking you about Fairbanks. Your mom thinks, is it your mom or your dad that thinks that maybe someone was related to Douglas Fairbanks Jr? Or is it a fact? My grandma. My dad's mom, always said all Fairbanks are related to this. Jonathan Fairbanks guy. That the just, put on his penis and everyone and made a lot of people, I have since learned, like anyone that is related to a Fairbanks, they do have some ties. Clubfoot. Oh. We all got one glazed over eye and a sugary foot. Oh, old cousin. Anyone name Fairbanks? I'm just like, I have a brother. And, But Douglas Fairbanks was a stage name. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, he's like Douglas Oh, okay. It was a family. Oh, okay. So I'm right. But, like, his mom's band names, President Roosevelt, I think named Fairbanks, who went to Alaska and named a town. I can't remember what he called it. Anchorage. That he named Anchorage. But, yeah. No, the guy that named Fairbanks, Alaska, is it related to me? And that's a vice president. So that's amazing. Like. Have you ever done stand up in Alaska? No, it it's I should just be I should go there. It's a blast because everybody knows. First of all, I did, Fairbanks College, you know, 100 years ago when I was basically college age. And then I did, I was in a I was in Anchorage. But I think that the people are so glad that you made it there. They're very welcoming, like us. Oh. Yeah. Almost. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I just Oh. I remember when we we flew in on a small plane and, the I watched two people walk right into a brick wall and fall over in the afternoon. Oh, wow. Yeah. Just because a boozer. Yep. There's no optometrists up there. Yeah, maybe there are no optometrists in Alaska. Like catch. Yeah, I, I gotta go. I felt that a little bit. I did, a little comedy festival in Bozeman two weeks ago. Oh, great. And, And by that, I mean, so what. It was and just brag and beautiful country. Is a big sky country. It is. The sky is bigger. And I don't know why, but it truly is. How did they think of that? Smaller. Because there's mountains in the horizon that are go up higher. So you think the sky bit smaller? It's bigger. You know what I would have spent five more minutes on, thinking of something better than big Sky country. Yeah, I'd say given dirt country. No mountain country, no big sky. Yeah, yeah, it's gone well. But you're like, that sky is big. When I go back, I'm like, what is up with that? Oh, okay. Illusion is the earth not really round. Oh. Or is it round? But then extra like convex like Montana might be like a pimple on the earth. So that would make that horizon. Oh, I see, you know, I've never been there. So what the hell am I talking about? Okay. No, the world's flat. Yeah. Anyway, I went to Livingston, this town that, Rich Hall lives there now, and so he was on some. Oh, great. And the people in that town were so excited to have comedy there that felt like Alaska. I think when people you're in a small town, they just appreciate that there, you're there. Yeah. You see a bunch of beards and people wearing camouflage or Carhartt, you know, or they all show up on snowmobiles. Well, yeah, I judge hillbillies or something. But they were so excited. One of the best shows I've ever done. So amazing. It's experiences like that that make me like, okay, I do want to go out into America and, these red dot catalogs. Yeah. Some guy without sleeves. Laughs there you go. You can do it too. I can do it. Damn it, Chris. I, I like I like doing stand up. You still like. It? I do, I like it, I think I like it more now. I feel like, you know, the, kind of took a 20 year hiatus, you know, to earn a living and then, you know, writing for other people and so forth and shows. Good job. Thank you. And now I love it again. I mean, I think it's really fun because there are no sticks. I mean, I mean, what, you know, does anybody have one brain aneurysm? No, I'm going to have a second one. That's going to be it. So my days are numbered anyway. So what the hell do I care if I bomb or not? Right. Well, that's a healthy way. I look at. It. Thank you. Yeah, Because I think in a way that's. I'm. You have to hit some. I feel like my career kind of went away or I just ignored it. I'm like, I'm going to have a midlife crisis and skateboard and golf, and I've seen my career. It makes sense. It kind of was at a standstill. And so now I'm like, wow, let me just do it for fun. better than I was. Yeah. Because you write I feel like I've written more. Like finished my sentences and my brain works better now. Wow. Yeah. And I started like take a little bit too. All good way to find out that you had ADHD. Recreationally. Take the medication. Oh, weird, I feel normal. Yeah. The thing is, this stuff called again, and that has made me at least finish my sentences. I used to do stand up and go. I probably still do where you don't finish a thought and then you go to another thing and that became my style. But then I watch myself and I'm like what the fuck am I saying. I didn't even finish my thought. But you're so funny all the way through I think people are like oh okay. He's just quick, you know, thinking quickly and going from thing to thing. Yeah I get, I get like in a Robin Williams way. But that, that used to make me nervous. I mean, I know he died, whatever. I loved that guy. But the stand up made me nervous when I was like. Oh, it did. Well, yeah. I actually worked with him on the, the, the last show he did, called The Crazy Ones. And, he was a sweetheart and and her and then, when he passed away, I, I called the head writers and said, hey, it wasn't your fault. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, wow. That's sweet. Yeah, because the show is about to get canceled. Oh. But anyway of goodwill, I get it. Takes me a minute. You're so funny. No, it was it was called, the crazy ones. He was an ad exec. But anyway, you didn't see it. You didn't watch it. You love him so fucking much, you didn't watch it. I. I didn't either, and I was there. I feel bad for even. And it's just frenetic. Anyone anyone's ever compared me to, I watch their stand up. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, I gotta change. Right? Because it's too. Bad I got it right. Yeah, I got it real nice and a little. And I think. You can say spaz on this show. Yeah. It's good. Okay. Yeah. Depending on what part of town you're in, but I, Yeah, I unless I was bad. So these days. I love you to pieces. Now, where are you going to be? Where do people find you? I should say, where do you go? let's go to my. I think, my website's the way to go as far as schedule. You know, you have, do you have 28,000 followers? Is that Instagram gear? Is that Instagram or is it. Oh, I don't know what app no talking about. Balance Sardinians. I don't know what happened. Now, but that's a lot. I mean, that's huge. Liberal ways. But 28,000, you know Jim Jones only had 3000. Yeah. And then that's why I'm never going to give my followers a beverage of any kind. And that's a promise. Jim Jones. You're kidding. Me. He was like, what I did, I thought he was such an impressive guy. No way. Man, at everything he said about helping people, all of his goals. He's like, maybe I don't dislike religious people because that guy is really doing something. And within a year that Jim Jones massacre happened. Amazing. So stay this and raise my son that way, he said, I. Wish we could get your dad on this show. Can we. He's way, each way better at this than I am now. But I would love to just. Can we maybe, get him with you? Or maybe I would love to talk to him. He's been on my podcast a few times. Oh, yes. Just when I would visit home, with him. Amazing. And, so many people still are, like, when he. I'm in your dad back on. It's been a few years. Wow. Got that broadcast quality voice. So it's just sounds like a better guest also. No. He's very funny. Very funny. But I can't believe that's kind of amazing. I'd have a I have a lot I have a lot of questions about Jim Jones. Yeah. Yeah. That's not a lot of followers what with cults, you know three stars. Well yeah I mean they're there. So yeah, if you get more than that, you gotta go to it from a cult to a religion that's a higher tax bracket. Oh, damn. Right, a cult level. Okay, but I thought religions weren't taxed. Or were they? I mean, I mean, are churches taxed? No they're not are there. No. Yeah they aren't. We need our own church Chris. You know you don't have to pay property tax if you bury your family members on your property. That's what I learned from Vanilla Ice. He flips houses. Get the hell out of here. You can turn your property into a graveyard, I guess. If it's your family members, you don't have to pay property tax. How many family members? I don't know. I think Trump just did an ex-wife, and he did it for that reason. Just so. Just one. Maybe you're kidding me. Are you kidding me? I'm gonna. Yeah, as at his golf club in new Jersey. So he doesn't have to pay taxes. Yeah, but I bet you would hate that. I bet she's melting in her grave. Yeah, yeah. God damn it. If she's even in there, she's probably an intern. Yeah, it's a tad bit the bottom. Dog bones. And throw nine full nine. Oh, man. That's all my dad talk about is, how we've hated him since his cameo on Home Alone to, Yeah, I've been to political today. No you haven't. You're wonderful. Okay, I interrupted you. What's your site? Where do people go to find out where you're playing next? It's dot com Instagram. Chris underscore Fairbanks. Do you spell out underscore. Yeah. And, Chris Chris colon Fairbanks colon spelled out. And that's just some photos of the inside of my bottle. Wait, but that's the fans. Only one. Yeah, one. They can't. I mean, only fans. I get him, I'm. So I try to be cool on purpose. Oh, my God. Only fans. Only on purpose. So no one knows that I'm turning around and looking at pictures of their feet. Five minutes of fans only. I don't know. I've never seen your boobs pink. We just met. Robert's on there. Just search a friend's name. You know, that's they they're at least our feet. I think I think my feet are really nice. I should be we should be making money on my feet, don't you think? You don't. Look at these. Hands. He doesn't even look at my feet anymore. We don't even have sex with my feet anymore. Yeah. I'm looking at your hands. Your hands are nice. Super nice. Yeah, but yeah, I. What? Looks like I just kicked the trees down. Gross. Toes look like ginger root, so I can't do any fun stuff. All right. And thank you, Chris. You're the best. Chris Fairbanks. Everybody. Thank you everyone. Let's give him a what we thought would happen. Round of applause. Yeah. Isn't that funny? I never know how to do this. I still don't know how to do this. We're used to hearing a reaction. Yeah. Soon. I did a, commercial, last week with, Lionel Richie. Amazing. Really sweet. Yeah. And after each take, you know, and I said they don't clap or say, good job. That was funny. You nailed it, They do the lines, and then I go, okay, okay. Moving to. And it's Lionel Richie. No one's kissing his ass. And so he was like, was that good? I don't I'm so used to an audience reaction so soon as star going, you nail it. Yeah. Lionel. And he's like, thanks. I feel good like that, a joke. I love that, that's sweet. Another thing that will make you like him is not. It's music. I do like his music. All night long. Okay. But then he. When he's hosting the Grammys, like a year that won a bunch of the Grammys. He hosted them. And then that night afterwards, got everyone to show up to do that. We are the world. Oh, dang. And all these people showed up like Michael Jackson, everyone. And then they were drunk. They're all just coming from the same place. And they recorded that at like 3 or 4 in the morning. Oh, wow. And people's voices were crack. And then, some people were, like, nervous to be there. I don't know, we probably stop recording. No, that's how we are. That's so funny. Love so many people, that are in it. Like, a lot of people are humble, like, Bob Dylan was like, oh, I'm not. These are all actual. I'm not. He knows he's not a traditionally. Yeah. Good to sing like. Yeah. Singer. Yeah. these people are like, they were really nervous. Geez. This to see behind the scenes. And then that shows like, Stevie Wonder got a new sound pedal or something. He's holding Ray Charles, his hands and, like, telling him about it and holding it. Amazing. And on that night, almost. What? I've cried just thinking about it. It's so cool. One of my favorite lyrics, and We Are the World is do they even know it's Christmas? After all? That's from Farm Aid. That's not the same. Oh fuck. Me. No, I can be. Yeah. Way farm aid really sucks. What is that? What your cat had? Yeah. Your cat had farm aids. Wait a second. But it doesn't. It said. Doesn't it start out we are the world. It did. Everything, but they don't start out. We are the world. I have no. Idea. I think they do. They both start out. We are the world. Don't they. Fuck up? We are the world. We are the children. No. And then. Oh no. Farm to say they save. The world like that had like Duran Duran and everything. Yeah. Of 80s person that spoke to me at the time cause it was like a few years later. Oh, okay. The world was the one that was like. Okay, then maybe it was Save the World, but then but I remember. Feed the children. Yeah, save the world. And then they had the Willie Nelson and everyone to farm it. And it's just. So it wasn't farm, but I just remember, I think it was. I feel like it was George Michael's anguished face. Do they even know it's Christmas after all? Yeah, yeah. Which not everybody celebrates Christmas, for one thing. That was. But I thought was kind of amazing. Yeah, yeah. Do they even. Know it's Christmas time at all? Yeah. Yeah, that can be taken a lot of ways. Not like, do they even know it's Christmas? No, but I mean, not everybody has these holidays is what it was amazing to me. Like you're that's kind of like a white jackass lyric. Yeah. And so forth. Yeah. Maybe feels bad. Or a privilege. That hit Christmas. Wham. All right. I fucked it all up. Didn't yes, I did. Okay. Very fun cover of, that comedy death Ray did. Where did were you in that were. They just had a bunch of No, I'm never invited to those things. I am not either. That was one of the last cool things I was invited to. All right. We Are the World cover series over many people. And then I had a little part. Damn it. Yeah, that was the last cool thing I did. Chris. Yep. You're Chris underscore Fairbanks on IG. On Instagram. Yeah. So everybody is going to be at your next show. Yeah. Laughing like they did all during this podcast. Yeah yeah yeah. Thank you Chris thank you so much I.